Aqua Teen Adventures - Premiere Online Source for Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Episode 103 - The Intervention

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Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Carl: Oh yeah. What'd your gun say? I clocked it at 136.
Cop: In a 25, in a school zone.
Carl: Oh don't get your panties in a wad, there ain't no kids out at this hour.
Cop: How many drinks have you had tonight?
Carl: Eh, maybe like two or three so, you know, I'm good. I meann I-I-I been drinkin' water for like an hour
Cop: How about that one?
Carl: All right, fine. 18! You feel like a big man now, pig? Huh? Maybe you had a real job you could afford to party like me, instead of tryin' to uh, set a trap to meet your quota.
Cop: Is that woman dead?
Carl: Oh man, I hope not. Let me check. No. She's not, thank God. I'll say this, she's gonna be confused when she wakes up, right?! Hahah! Punch in the fist! What's that thing you just pulled out of your-- Ahhh!!

Carl: No, I was. I was polite, I was like 'Yes sir, no sir, get off my ass sir'.
Frylock: Oh, that's wonderful Carl but guess what, this bail is gonna bust me man!
Carl: Just post it up, get my keys, and I can drive us back home.
Cop: You ain't driving anywhere for a long time.
Carl: Look, I ain't had a DUI in over four months! You gotta respect that!
Frylock: Carl, let it go.
Carl: No! This pig is messin' me with me! Ain't ya, piggy? Huh? Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink!
Cop: Oh, you like it here, huh?
Frylock: Don't listen to him, officer.
Carl: You can't keep me off the road!
Frylock: Carl, shut up!
Carl: You did not pay for them roads!
Cop: Get him out of here!

Carl: Hey, can you just sorta hover over that patrol car, there?
Frylock: What are you doin' back there?
Carl: I'm gonna drop a deuce on it. Ahahah! Where you goin'?!

Cop: Where you think you're goin', stallion?
Carl: Um. Just, you know, gonna organize my cassettes alphabetically. Ehh, Judas Priest goes before Krokus. Okay, I'm done.
Cop: Good! Let me show you how this breathalyzer works.
Carl: What's that?
Cop: See, now your car won't start unless you blow into it. Give it a try.
Carl: Ahh, maybe I'll try it later.
Cop: So you've been drinking.
Carl: All right, I may have been drinking some of my cologne. What's your point? It's a free country!
Cop: Ahaha. See ya later, stallion.
Carl: You can't control me! I know my rights!

Frylock: I'm worried about Carl.
Master Shake: You're not worried about him, you're worried about flying him everywhere!
Frylock: Ssshh, sshh, sshh. Turn off the lights!
Carl: Hey gang! Who's ready to go on a trip? I see you over there behind the spool.
Frylock: No, Carl.
Carl: Oh, come on. It's 2.3 miles to Melon Shakers. I can't walk that far!
Frylock: And then I'll wait there for three hours 'cause you won't pay my cover to get in, while you get your rocks off in the champagne room!
Carl: Come on! It takes time. I'm a little desensitized from years of doing this.
Frylock: YOu know what, Carl? I am sick and tired of flying your ass to the gas station to get beer, to the grocery store to get beer, to the whorehouse to get beer!
Carl: I ain't never made you take me to the laundromat.
Master Shake: That's 'cause you don't wash your clothes
Carl: Hey, yeah, that's a pretty good point. Touche!
Frylock: Look, Carl, maybe you need to take a good look at your life.
Carl: I lookin' at my life every day, and I pop a boner, so I ain't here to talk to you. I'm here to talk to this little man. How you doin' meat buddy, huh?
Meatwad: Oh, I been pretty busy pullin' this carpet string watching it unravel. It takes up most of my working hour.
Carl: How you feel about a little action, huh? A little fireworks on a Tuesday night, a little boom boom? Heheh!
Meatwad: Oh, I like me some fireworks, boy!
Frylock: Meatwad, don't encourage his behavior, okay?
Meatwad: But he be encourage-- I like fireworks. End of discussion.
Master Shake: Ooo, can I go? I can go!
Carl: Get lost, cup.
Meatwad: I'm gonna pull your string. Actually there is--there's something to this.

Carl: Blow in the tube. Yeah! Victory! Screw you, pigs!
Meatwad: Hey! Is we goin' to a pettin' zoo?
Carl: Yeah! A heavy petting zoo. I pay $140, and then I let people pet my snake. Hahah! Yeah!

Carl: All right, last call's at three. You stay here and guard my cassettes.
Meatwad: I want to go in.
Carl: Yeah, that would be awesome, right? Thing is, you gotta have $8.
Meatwad: Here it is, $8!
Carl: Uh, yeah, okay. But you gotta have a collar.
Meatwad: And here is a collar.
Carl: Fine. You don't know me, I don't know you. You got that?
Meatwad: All right! You don't know me, I don't know you. But you know I know you.
Carl: Right, but while we're inside--
Meatwad: You know I know you know me.
Carl: No, I get that--
Meatwad: That's why we rode together, didn't we?
Carl: We'll reconnect at last call.

Carl: Hey meat man. Come here. Pull the--pull the car around.
Meatwad: You don't know me, I don't know you. We don't know each other.
Carl: Yeah you know me! Blow into the tube and start the car!
Meatwad: I can't drive no car.
Carl: You ain't gotta drive, I'm drive--I'm drivin'. I'm the driver. I just got--you just-you just gotta start it. And then you gotta hold me up, put me in. Then we're good. I'll drive us home. Hurry, I'm urinating on myself.
Meatwad: It ain't startin'.
Carl: Why it ain't startin'?
Meatwad: Probably 'cause I had five gin and tonics, and a Cuba Libre.
Carl: I told you not to drink, I should not have bought you them drinks. All right. You got a butt, right? Fart into the tube.
Meatwad: Fart is a bad word.
Carl: All right, fine. What would you say?
Meatwad: Bootie pootie.
Carl: Just bootie pootie into it.
Meatwad: I don't need to bootie pootie right now.
Carl: Well try to bootie pootie.
Meatwad: If I try to bootie pootie and I don't need to bootie pootie, I might leave a bootie dootie, and you don't want that on your mouth tube.
Carl: All right, fine. I just uh, we'll just go to the gas station and I'll get you a frickin' bean burrito.

Carl: Okay uh, we'll probably have to double back. We left my nipples back there.
Meatwad: Here we go.
Cop: How we doing, gentleman?
Carl: Good morning, officer. We just eh, we just walkin' home. We ain't drivin'. You know that, you don't need to be here.
Meatwad: Hey, could you blow into a tube 'cause we too drunk to start a car.
Carl: Hey, hey, hey, I-I don't know what he's talking about.
Meatwad: That's right. He don't know me, I don't know him, we don't know each other.
Cop: Hahah, listen son if I blow into that tube, then that would be illegal, wouldn't it?
Meatwad: See, that's the thing. You gotta fart into it.
Carl: No, fart's a bad word.
Meatwad: I'm sorry, bootie pootie. Bootie pootie is what I meant.
Cop: Come on, we're going downtown.
Frylock: Officer, I got this.
Carl: Hey! Frylock! Hey, take us over to the Car and blow into the tube.
Frylock: No, Carl. We're leaving the car here.
Carl: I can drive, I can.
Frylock: I'm gonna drag your fat ass back, and then we're gonna have a talk!

Frylock: Carl, I'm gonna need you to sit up right for this, man.
Carl: No, I'm listening. Keep doin' the thing, I'm-I'm just resting my eyes.
Master Shake: Carl, we love you. And I for one do not like seeing you destroy yourself like this. This long, slow slide is, frankly, extremely boring to watch. Why don't you go out in like a, a blaze of glory?
Frylock: Shake!
Master Shake: Light yourself on fire and rob a bank.
Frylock: Shake!
Master Shake: Do something at least I can tweet about! And like, make me popular.
Frylock: Come on, man.
Master Shake: But you never think about me, do you?
Frylock: All right, look, Shake's partially right. You are destroying yourself. Let me ask you something, Carl: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?
Master Shake: Oh, not with this. Can't we just talk about him during Christmas?
Meatwad: Is he be the one who bring all the toys and the magic sleigh?
Master Shake: For the last time, yes!
Carl: Look, me and Jesus--we-we don't see eye to eye.
Frylock: Well, maybe that's because you're putting yourself above him.
Carl: Yeah, that's right. You know why? Because he never bought me that red bike I wanted.
Frylock: He's not the one, Carl. That's not him!
Meatwad: Shake just said it was.
Master Shake: I stand by it.
Carl: What, who's Jesus huh? Some joker just made out of clouds, livin' in the sky so he can boss me around, tellin' me I ain't allowed to touch myself down that way 'cause it don't please him. Masturbation is specifically designed to please me! No one's getting hurt, except the wildabeast! Heheheh! Yeah, I give him a name.
Frylock: Why do you think I go to church every Sunday, Carl?
Carl: I don't know, so you feel superior to me?
Frylock: Yeah, sure. But I also go because Jesus is real.
Carl: Oh, is that right, smart guy? Prove it.

Frylock: See Carl, these were all owned by Jesus at one time. Sneakers made of sackcloth. He wore his beard in these barrettes sometimes. And here's his favorite pair of red underwear. This is very rare and valuable.
Master Shake: I'm gonna go touch that.
Frylock: Wait, wait, Shake. Let me--
Master Shake: Tell you what, my back is killing me.
Meatwad: Look here, Jesus got nose boogies, just like you and me.
Frylock: Boogers have DNA, that's perfect!
Meatwad: Mmm. They is perfect.
Frylock: Meatwad no!
Carl: Is this his hair? Wow. He had rock hair. Just like Hetfield back when he was riding the lightning.
Frylock: That will do.

Carl: (Air guitar) I like this. I'm just gonna do this all day.
Frylock: Carl, please, put the hair in the cloner, 'cause I want to introduce you to a man who changed my life.
Master Shake: Oh! Can you make like a whole body out of just a section? Like maybe a head or face
Frylock: Yeah, why?
Master Shake: Oh, no reason.
Rupert: What's up, yo?
Frylock: Jesus! You grace us with your presence. Bow, everyone bow!
Rupert: No, no, I am not he. For I am Rupert, Jesus' gay hairdresser.
Frylock: Wait a second, Jesus had a hairdresser?
Rupert: Hohoho, sweet man but no hair. It was atrocious. Three wires just sticking out of his head. I fashioned a wig for most of his big speeches.
Frylock: So this was your hair?
Carl: Hey can you do something for me, like feather it but with frosted spikes? Like Richie Sambora on the Bad Medicine tour?
Frylock: Listen, Rupert--
Carl: I can get you some pics!
Frylock: --Tell my friend here about Jesus. About how he needs to turn his life over to him. To trust in him. To put his faith in him. To allow him make him whole once more.

Carl: And then you just blow into the tube, and then we go!
Rupert: Right on man. I am super excited to do this.
Carl: Shut up. Shut up man, I like this song!