Aqua Teen Adventures - Premiere Online Source for Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Episode 94 - Hands on a Hamburger

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I'm a bum and I haven't gotten these done yet. Please be patient!

Master Shake: Now, let's leave two columns in the living room, and I want the rest floor to ceiling up in the attic.
Pizza Guy: You know, usually we get an order this large, it's a prank. But I'm glad this one worked out right Mr. Uh..
Master Shake: Fartbubbler, Terrence Fartbubbler from District 9. Say that back to me. (Laughing) I want to make sure you got it right.
Pizza Guy: Okay, we're looking at, um, $539,000.
Master Shake: I think I have .. For five fingers off! (Punches pizza guy)
Pizza Guy: Damn it! I knew it! I knew it!
Master Shake: Keep the change!
Pizza Guy: These large orders never work out. Guys! Everyone back in the truck!
Master Shake: You know what? We are never ordering from you again! You will hear from me in my blog!
Meatwad: We need us some food, man.
Master Shake: I think I broke my hand.
Meatwad: Look at this. Can you see my ribs? It's gonna be a long winter without no fat belly.
Frylock: What are you doing?
Master Shake: What's it look like I'm doing?
Frylock: Shake, is that my e-mail account?
Master Shake: Ordinarily, I don't open the spam in your e-mail account, but check it out.
Frylock: "Hands on a Hamburger"?
Master Shake: Yeah, you put your hands on a giant bacon double cheeseburger, and the last person to take his hand off gets the whole enchilada.
Meatwad: Enchilada give me gas.
Frylock: No, no, Meatwad. It's not an enchilada. It's a hamburger.
Meatwad: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your first version of the story had a cheeseburger. Now you're saying an enchilada. Which is it?
Frylock: "Enchilada" is an expression.
Meatwad: Oh. Enchilada give me gas. Cheeseburger give me gas, too. Pretty much anything I swallow gives me gas. Except gas. What happens if I swallow gas? Look me up on Wikipedia. I want to see what I specialize in.
Frylock: Shut the f*** up.

Frylock: Okay, fellas, this is it. The rules say we have to keep at least one hand on the hamburger at all times.
Meatwad: What if we -- what if we get hungry now?
Frylock: The rules do allow you to nibble on the burger, as long as you keep a hand on it.
Meatwad: What if I get gassy? I told you about that.
Frylock: Well the rules.. allow you to stand over there by Shake.
Meatwad: All right then. Hey, Shake!
Master Shake: Come on over and visit my big ankle, and I'm gonna kick your ass with such force that it will open a time rift where Jesus lives.
Carl: Come on. come on. Come on.
Master Shake: Is that Carl?
Carl: Tell me you're not doing this, too!
Master Shake: Carl!
Carl: How'd you find out about -- I bought -- I was part of a select, chosen group of people picked to do this!
Master Shake: You got the e-mail! Gimme five! You're the man!
Carl: All right.
Master Shake: So glad you're here! Gimme ten!
Carl: All right! yeah! Don't leave me hanging, man!
Phil: Over here. Disqualified.
Carl: Bitch come on!
Master Shake: Hahaha!
Carl: Oh come on! I just got here. Let me take a mulligan.
Master Shake: Hey, check it out. I just outwitted stupid Carl.
Meatwad: All right, man!
Master Shake: Give me five
Meatwad: All right, yeah!
Master Shake: Let's double the fun, give me ten!
Meatwad: Yeaaah!!!
Frylock: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Keep a hand on the burger, man.
Meatwad: Come on--but he just outwitted Carl.
Carl: You won't win! You won't!

Meatwad: Hey. Wake up. Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up.
Frylock: Huh, what?
Meatwad: I have to TT.
Frylock: Just do it here, man. Just go.
Meatwad: But ain't it gonna soak into the bun?
Frylock: Aim it--aim it out that way.
Meatwad: I need help gettin' my pants off here. I have trouble with the zipper.
Frylock: Meatwad, you don't have any pants.
Meatwad: What the-- the hell you say! You let me go out of the house like this? How long's this charade been goin' on?

Master Shake: Hey champ little fella buddy, God you're doin' so good here I need to know if you can help me out I'm in a big problem your Dad wanted me to ask you what's 5 + 2?
Boy: Uhh..
Master Shake: Can you count it with your fingers please?
Boy: Let's see. 7!
Master Shake: Try zero! Boosh!
Phil: Disqualified!
Master Shake: You're gone! He's outta here! Go back to preschool!
Boy: Bye bye.
Master Shake: Next! Hey hi.
Woman: Oh hi!
Master Shake: I saw you checkin' me out. Hey where are you from?
Woman: I'm from New Jersey.
Master Shake: Hey let's do the hand jive. You first!
Woman: Oh okay, I know how to do that.
Master Shake: Kapow!
Phil: Disqualified. Hand jive.
Master Shake: You're unlucky in love! What's five plus two? Count with your fingers.
Girl: I can't do pluses. (Shake knocks her hand off)
Phil: Disqualified. Kid's outta here.
Master Shake: Hands in the air, you're under arrest!
Guy: What the--
Master Shake: Hands in the air, sir!
Guy: What--What's the charge?
Master Shake: Bein' a sucka, sucka!
Guy: Awww, come on!
Master Shake: You look lonely. Why don't you give me handjob.
Guy: Look man, I don't know what you think--
Master Shake: I'll give you a hundred dollars.
Guy: Okay.
Master Shake: Uh uh uh uh. Both hands.
Guy: Okay.
Master Shake: Whoa! Get off my jock!
Phil: Right over here, disqualified. Hand job.
Master Shake: Drop and give me twenty, soldier!
Phil: Disqualified. He's done.
Master Shake: You're gonna die soon.
Guy: Really?
Master Shake: I'm psychic. I've got to read your palm. No, both of them!
Guy: No.
Master Shake: Come on, it's free.
Guy: No.
Master Shake: This is your life on the line!
Guy: Screw off, turd.
Master Shake: Oh no, you're hand's on fire!
Guy: No it isn't.
Master Shake: Now it is!
Guy: Ow. Dammit.
Phil: Both hands over here. He's done.
Master Shake: Boosh!
Frylock: All right, and then there were three!
Master Shake: Good job, Frylock. Now give me ten!
Frylock: Come on, man. I ain't goin' for that. Actually, you know what? We could all quit. One of us wins and shares it with everyone else.
Master Shake: Well what if I decide I want to eat it all.
Frylock: Get real, Shake. You can't eat it all.
Master Shake: I can try, can't I?
Meatwad: You know I have been uh, TT'in, all over this bun. For about seven days now.
Master Shake: Fine, we'll all quit together. All right? At the count of seven. How many fingers would that be, Meatwad?
Meatwad: Well let's see now.
Master Shake: Five plus two?
Meatwad: Maybe.
Master Shake: Show me, prove your theory.
Meatwad: Mmm. I think... Wait a minute. You tryin' to get inside my head! Huh uh! That ain't happenin'. I'm freezin' you out, Jack! See, check this out.
Frylock: No Meatwad!
Meatwad: Lalalalalalala I ain't listening I ain't listening I ain't listeninglalalalala.
Phil: Disqualified--You are disqualified
Meatwad: Your lips ain't movin' so you probably ain't sayin' nothing but I still ain't listening to you.
Phil: Disqualified. You're done.
Meatwad: Aw, dang it. Mental errors have cost me!
Master Shake: Let's go, bring it on. You look like what I left in the toilet this morning.

Master Shake: All right! Let's do the wave! Come on, do the wave! Start it off! I'm gonna do the music. Ba ba ba, ba ba the wave! Yeah! Raise the roof, son! How does that go? I know you showed me once. Why don't you do the macarena and it'll jog your memory! Hey Macarena! Is that even really a hand? I have a gun and I will shoot your hand clean the hell off! I will do it!
Meatwad: Hey y'all!
Master Shake: Do it right now! I'll go get my gun!
Meatwad: You know they're givin' out free hot dogs at that car dealership down the way.
Master Shake: I prefer the meat of the burger.
Frylock: As do I.
Meatwad: Yeah, that meat ain't looking so good. Seems like the burger has moved some, ain't it?
Frylock: Yeah, the ants are breeding. They want to take it from us.
Master Shake: But that ain't happening on our watch. Right, man? Gimme five!
Frylock: Get your f***in' hand out of my face!
Master Shake: Profanity foul! Oh! Oh! profanity violation! Phil! Phil!
Phil: What--What's up? what's going on?
Master Shake: Phil, he is indiscriminately dropping "f" bombs on the heads of all these kids around here.
Phil: Yeah, there's nothing about profanity in the bylaws, so --
Master Shake: Come on, man, don't you want to see this end?
Phil: Look, I get paid by the hour, man.
Master Shake: Phil, come on. Please, I know you. We've been through a lot together, haven't we? Hey, how is your wife?
Frylock: Don't listen to him!
Master Shake: Didn't she have a baby or something while we were here? What did you name it, anyway? I was wondering.
Phil: Penelope. I've told you like five times.
Master Shake: Might be nice to get this over with--
Frylock: Phil!
Master Shake: --And spend some time with that cute little..
Phil: It's a girl.
Master Shake: ..girl. great. That's right.
Frylock: Don't fall for it, Phil.
Master Shake: I might be able to give you and her some uh, some sesame seeds off this bun to play with--
Frylock: He's trying to trick you, Phil!
Master Shake: --if we could maybe end this soon.
Phil: He got to take his hands off. It's the only way he's disqualified.
Master Shake: I'm well versed in the bylaws, asshole! You're lucky I have to keep this hand on this hamburger because otherwise it would be wrapped around your bearded little throat! Let's everyone give a hand for Phil, huh? He's worked so hard to piss me off, right, Phil? Frylock, clap. Clap for Phil, master judge.
Frylock: Oh I will. After I win.
Master Shake: Fine. You know what? I'm gonna go urinate. I'll see you tools in five.
Frylock: Whoa! wait a minute! Phil, is he allowed to do that?
Phil: His hand's still on it.
Frylock: Come on!
Phil: I mean, it's in the bylaws. His hand's there.
Master Shake: Phil with the bylaws!
Frylock: Well, the bylaws need to be rewritten, damn it!

Meatwad: (Bringing Frylock boots) What you want these for?
Frylock: Put them on my feet, man.
Meatwad: Oh. All right, these are your feet now? Okay. sure.
Frylock: That should ground me. (Shoots down electricity wires) all right, I'll run a 4,000-volt current through the bun. And when Shake comes back --
Wong Burger: No, wait!
Frylock: What the hell?
Wong Burger: Don't electrify the bun!
Frylock: Who's that? Who said that? Who said that?!
Wong Burger: It's me! The giant hamburger! Or at least, that's how people see me! Finally, tonight, you will win the contest, and you will come with me to hamburger planet!
Frylock: Now, where have I heard that voice before?
Wong Burger: Finally, tonight, I will have enough dicks to complete the dick ship and return to dick planet. ...Complete the tooth ship and return to my enameled condo on tooth planet.
Frylock: Wongburger!
Wong Burger: That's right! It is I! Dr. wongburger! It took me years of therapy to come to terms with my true identity! My parents couldn't accept it! "My son isn't a cheeseburger" they cried. "Your son IS a cheeseburger!" I cried back.
Frylock: Look, look, I don't need to know the whole story, okay?
Wong Burger: Shh! He's coming. I'm counting on you to win! I like spending time with you more! You and me, we'll go to hamburger planet, listen to some tunes, get weird.
Frylock: What the hell is wrong with you, man?
Wong Burger: Shh!
Master Shake: Hey! Don't look down in the mouth. I know what'll cheer you up. A dance party. Macarena!
Frylock: Whoops, here I go, scratching my nose with both hands.
Master Shake: Phil! Phil!
Phil: Oh, that's it. I saw that.
Master Shake: Yeah, boy! I shook you down to Chinatown! Aah! What is this? Free onion rings?
Wong Burger: Buckle in!
Master Shake: Hey, Frylock, free shipping!
Frylock: No, shake --
Wong Burger: Hamburger warp five!
Master Shake: Slow down. I get motion sick!
Phil: Hey, man, you want to come over to my house? Uh hang out? Yeah, check out my new bass? I play with a band called zen pusher gas--
Frylock: Yeah, yeah I remember. Look, don't take this personally, Phil, but I have no interest whatsoever in what you're saying to me.
Phil: Right on, man. I understand.
Frylock: Unh-unh. Right off! (Zaps Phil with electric wire)
Phil: Aaah!
Frylock: Let's eat, Meatwad.
Meatwad: All right, I'll shave him and prep him and cut him, and you de-bone him and cook him.
Frylock: No, no, no, Meatwad. The free hot dog thing, right? At the dealership?
Meatwad: Oh. Yeah, of course, of course. I knew that's what you was saying.