Aqua Teen Adventures - Premiere Online Source for Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Episode 91 - Rubberman

Click on the filename above the transcription to download the clip. Enjoy!

Frylock: Hey Carl, whatcha doing?
Carl: Oh, I'm just raking the leaves here.
Frylock: Carl, those don't look like leaves.
Carl: Cause they're not, dummy. They're rubbers. Used rubbers. Coney Island white fish! Yeah! I still don't like it in my lawn.
Frylock: Meatwad no!
Meatwad: (Blowing up a condom) Ow! You got a couple needles in there. I guess someone was giving out flu shots last night.
Master Shake: Don't be stupid, Meatwad. It was possibly a diabetic convention.
Carl: Oh yeah, someone definitely had some medication out here. Scoot over. There we go. Right there.
Master Shake: Yeah, I tried to buy these, but they didn't have my jumbo size in ribbed. I need a massive reservoir tip.
Meatwad: I wasn't listening. These is what - pudding tubes?
Master Shake: Yeah, that's it. Lap up that free pudding. Bill cosby left it just for you.
Meatwad: Mm-mmm. This look like vanilla-blast, but it tastes like sizzlin' salt 'sposion.
Frylock: Meatwad-Meatwad! Get it out of your mouth.
Carl: That's one of their extreme flavors.
Frylock: Those are dirty. Dirty. Bad pudding. Put those down.
Master Shake: Yeah, put it down! And pick up the hose, and start washing these off. They can, and will, be used again. Probably tonight.
Meatwad: You sure you don't want these, Carl?
Carl: Nah, I don't need em. I've been, uh, shooting blanks since that killer whale nipped me in the stones. (Cutaway to Carl standing on a diving board to feed a whale) All right! yeah! (Whale bites off his balls) No. no. nooo! It was a blessing in disguise. I mean, I don't want no kids weighing my ass down. I should've kept that story to myself. Anyways, ya know, so Whenever I pay for sex it's skin on skin. You know what I mean? Ha ha.
Meatwad: No. I don't know what you mean. But I appreciate you.
Master Shake: Thank you, Carl.
Frylock: Yeah, thanks Carl. These rubbers give me an excellent idea.

Frylock: Now this sends a message that we know what's going on around here at night. We're gonna encourage safe sex, but we're also gonna crack down on it.
Master Shake: What does go on here at night? It's a blood drive, isn't it?
Frylock: Yeah, I'm thinking it's probably crack whores, you know? The neighborhood has really gone downhill with all the foreclosures.
Master Shake: It could have been me, though. Sometimes an erotic situation occurs, you know, I got no time to find a bed. But I like to leave my seed around as a service for hot lesbians whose biological clocks are ticking.
Frylock: You like it?
Meatwad: Yeah. But what are we gonna call this little man?
Master Shake: Hmm, we want something clever. Not cliched. Rubber..boy! Rubberboy.
Frylock: I was thinking "Clucky", the rubber litter ducky.
Master Shake: No. no, Rubberman
Meatwad: I was thinking we call him Lance--Lance Potter. Like Harry's brother.
Frylock: But I shaped him like a duck. See? I did most of the work. Look, I mean I had my fries in God knows what kind of fluids.
Master Shake: By choice!
Meatwad: Fool we're not having a conversation here. His name is Lance because I'm THE ONE WITH THE F***IN' GUN!
Frylock: Meatwad!
Meatwad: That's what Samuel Jackson did. I wish he was on our show.
Frylock: Where did you find that?
Meatwad: It was in the pile.
Master Shake: Alright. I christen thee Rubberman
Frylock: Yeah, no. It ain't that.
Master Shake: Slap on a little glove, and get ready for some love. Keep the gunk with my junk when I load it in her very spacious trunk.
Meatwad: Is he alive? 'Cause I need someone to take me to the mall.
Frylock: In a way he is. He's coated in thousands of microscopic organisms.
Meatwad: Frylock I know what sperm and bacteria is. What I'm saying is, will he come to life if I put this magic hat on his head?
Master Shake: Kinda looks like he's already "come" to life.
Frylock: Hey, that hat looks like Carl's Superfan G-Men fantasy lamp.
Master Shake: Come on. That's a classic Shake line.
Meatwad: It may be. I don't-I don't-- I doubt it. I just found it.
Frylock: Where? in carl's house?
Meatwad: May have been in Carl's house. May have been on a mantle of some sort.
Frylock: Well look man, if I were you I would not put that hat on Clucky.
Master Shake: Uh, it's Rubberman
Meatwad: Alright. I won't do it. (Whispers) I won't do it right now.
Frylock: What? what was that?
Meatwad: Alright, fine. I won't do it. Tell me I can't do this, I'm gonna do it.
Lance: Hey little buddy!
Meatwad: It's true! The magic that lives inside the magic hat!

(To the tune of Frosty the Snowman)
Lance the duck made from used condoms was a squeaky rubber guy with a crack pipe nose from some tweaking hoes and two eyes made out of eyes. Human eyes!

Lance: Oh look! I have human eyes!
Meatwad: Yeah, I found them in that pile over there.
Lance: Come on Meatwad!
Meatwad: Alright, where are we going?
Lance: Across the railroad tracks.
Meatwad: Three kids got murdered over there last year but okay!

(Song continues over the dialogue)
Lance the duck made from used condoms is filled with some dude's sperm. He's stopping STDs and genital herpes out on Carl's front lawn. There may have been some magic in that lamp that Meatwad swiped, for when he placed it on his head he smoked on his crack pipe. Smoke it up! Bum-ba-dee-bum-bum Bum-ba-dee-bum look at Meatwad smoke. Bum-ba-dee-bum-bum Bum-ba-dee-bum all of the rock coke!

Carl: Yeah, that's right. Made from used condoms. Yes, I will hold. Get off my lawn! Wait no! Come back with my G-Men Superfan Fantasy Lamp!

Lance: I need some magic, man.
Lance: Give me 20 dollars.
Meatwad: I ain't got no 20 dollars.
Lance: Go roll that bum, he's got money.
Meatwad: Do this make bubbles?
Lance: If you want it to.
Meatwad: ooh, that feels good.
Lance: Hey that was fun, little buddy! Give me five.
Meatwad: Oh, I don't know. See you got germs and bacteria and needle hands--gimme a booboo!
Lance: Oh, I'm sorry. I wish I had human hands.
Meatwad: Yeah, that's too bad, but what're ya gonna do, ya know?
Lance: We can still make this happen.
Meatwad: But how?
Lance: Your neighbor Carl has hands! I've seen them!
Meatwad: Yeah but, his hands are attached to his body, Lance.
Lance: They don't have to be!
Meatwad: Well yeah, I mean yeah, we can--sure we can ask him.

Meatwad: Are you totally sure with this?
Lance: Yes! He'll spawn new ones! The human body is a miracle!
Meatwad: All right.. At the wrist?
Lance: Shoulder! I want the whole shank!
Meatwad: Boy, this seems way illegal.
Lance: Don't you want your friend to be able to throw you a football?
Meatwad: No, I mean, that's something I want but--
Lance: Don't think about it! Just do it you little f***in' runt!
Meatwad: Lance, language!
Lance: Oh, I'm sorry buddy! It's just that I'm so excited about getting those hands!
Carl: (Wakes up) What are you doing here, little man?
Lance: Gag him!
Carl: Noooo! nooo! (Muffled screaming, sawing)

Lance: oh yes! There we go! That's the way we do it!
Meatwad: Umm, how long do we gotta hang out here in this crawlspace, here?
Lance: Oh, just until the heat dies down.
Frylock: A duck made out of rubbers?
Police: Little ring around his neck. Stuff dripping off. Crack pipe nose. Two eyes made out of human eyes, wearing a football helmet. He's wanted for questioning.
Lance: That policeman has nice feet.
Meatwad: Yeah, I guess so.
Lance: Get them for me. His feet.
Meatwad: Lance, that is an extreme request.
Lance: I thought we were friends.
Meatwad: We are, Lance. But you promised we was gonna throw the football.
Lance: Now I have an urge to kick the football. With feet.
Meatwad: Okay, okay, okay. Let me just.. Need a little more confidence.
Lance: Here. Snort the confidence into your mucus passages.
Meatwad: (Sniffs) Ooh, feels good.
Lance: You're now wild and bulletproof.
Meatwad: I'm wild and bulletproof!
Lance: Take the shovel.
Meatwad: Oh yeah, baby!
Meatwad: Oh my god. Okay, let's kick the football.
Lance: F*** FOOTBALL. Take this syringe. Inject it between my toes. I mustn't have tracks. I have a job interview coming up.
Meatwad: We gonna be down here a long time, ain't we?
Lance: Oh god. I'm gonna catch some Z's. DON'T YOU F***IN' MOVE. Okay little buddy?

Meatwad: I am in trouble, big time. You know how you say don't talk to nobody at the mall 'cause they a bad influence? I'm hanging out with someone who is a bad influence.
Frylock: Does this have anything to do with that cop?
Police: Officer..in..pursuit..
Meatwad: No--Maybe.
Frylock: You see that hat on his head, Meatwad? The magic hat that I told you not to put there?
Meatwad: That's not how I remember it, but yes. Yeah, I see it.
Frylock: Take it off.
Meatwad: No way. that dude's crazy. If I get near that hat he's gonna stab me with about three of them needles.
Frylock: Okay, fine. He's gonna have to shampoo sometime. And when he does, we'll be right there.

Lance: Hey, you have any shampoo?
Meatwad: Oh you're gonna wash your hair tonight --
Lance: NONE OF YOUR F***IN' Business. I'm going out tonight. I may or may not want to shampoo my hair, but I want the option. SO F***IN' GET IT.
Meatwad: Here you go.
Lance: Blow me. (Removes hat) Oh! oh, no!
Meatwad: Oh Lance! [sobbing] LANCE!

(Song continues)
Oh lance the duck made from used condoms died an accidental death frylock knew that when he shampooed he would breathe his final breath

Meatwad: But I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Master Shake: Alright. Then put it back on.
Meatwad: Okay.
Lance: Fools! No one will stop Rubberman Oh no! Someone is stopping Rubberman!

Phone: If you need to contact hospital lost and found regarding a hat, dial 2.
Carl: Speed it up, honey.
Phone:If you need to contact hospital lost and found regarding keys, dial 2.
Carl: Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Phone: If this is an actual emergency, dial 3. If you need to contact (Carl presses 3) If you have had a heart attack, dial 7.
Carl: Crap! I think I hit 4.
Phone: But you probably won't be able to.
Carl: Dammit!
Phone: If you have a gerbil lodged in your ass, just call us directly Richard and we'll work you in.
Carl: Come on, come on!
Phone: If your arms were ripped off recently, hang up and dial 8463872759 60385783 6504863 85670483--
Carl: COME ON, HERE!