Episode 78 - Bible Fruit Click on the filename above the transcription to download the clip. Enjoy! biblefruit1.mp3 Master Shake: Hey. Turn on the TV. Frylock: Uh, you got hands last time I checked. Master Shake: Well I want you to do it. Cause I'm the master. And I have a shirt that says as much, and I'm not afraid to break it out! Ahem! Uh, hello? What are you doing over there without me? Frylock: I'm updating my MySpace page. Master Shake: Well, I'm about to update your MyFace page with my ass unless you get in there and read us a story! Meatwad: I don't want to hear a story, I wanna watch a story. Master Shake: No, no, the TV is tired of you looking at it! Meatwad: How do you know? You don't know the TV! Master Shake: I do! I'm very good friends with the TV! That's how we get all the good shows. biblefruit2.mp3 Meatwad: What are you doin', Frylock? Frylock: I told you once already. Master Shake: Look. I'm about to whip it out. And I'm going to urinate all over this room and you will wish that I did not ingest all that asparagus. Frylock: All right, go ahead. Whip it out. Master Shake: He wants to come out and punish you. Meatwad: Go on. Show him. Master Shake: Oh I will. In private. Because there's not enough room in here. Frylock: Check it out, I have three new friends. Meatwad: I have two friends in this room. And Master Shake is friends with the TV. Master Shake: Yes, that is true. biblefruit3.mp3 Meatwad: Why don't you ask that TV if he minds showing me some Futurama. I like me some Futurama. Master Shake: Well, now we're too damn cheap to receive it, so go the hell over to Carl Central and watch it to your heart's content. Meatwad: Carl gets Futurama? Master Shake: He didn't even want it until we started watching it. Frylock: Will y'all shut up?! Meatwad, will you pick up this fake vomit. I'm having my new friends over for drinks and they don't need to be seeing that, okay? Meatwad: Well only some of it is fake. Master Shake: Oh yeah? I'm having friends over too. And believe me when I tell ya, my friends will hurt your friends. They're gonna call them names, and beat the ever lovin' sweet crap out of them. Meatwad: This is fake, see? Novelty. Makes you laugh? But this is real. And this is real; And that's real. This is fake, this is fake, and this one's fake; and this one's fake. Master Shake: I think there's a lot more real than fake down here.. Frylock: Will you shut the f*** up and vaccuum the hall?! Master Shake: Okay.. Master Shake: I'm making a mojito. Everyone... who would like a mojito. Frylock: You know we only have one glass, Shake. Keep you nasty mouth off of it, okay? Save it for our guests....for..them to..share. Master Shake: Someone wants a knife fight. Someone I'm looking at. Frylock: You sincerely mean that. Master Shake: Maybe I do. I just don't like the way you boss me. Frylock: You just calm down, all right? And don't say nothin' like that in front of my new friends. (doorbell) biblefruit4.mp3 Carl: Where's the lucky bachelor?! Meatwad: Well, I don't consider myself lucky but, I'm taken, guys. Ain't that right honey? (holds up doll) Carl: Where's uh.. where's the action? There's no uh.. I don't see no strippers here. Frylock: Look, Carl, they're not strippers okay? At least I don't think so. Two of them are guys. Carl: Oh, so I guess uh, I got some bad information then. Frylock: You shouldn't have gotten any information at all. Master Shake: No, no, no, Carl's our wingman! Carl: I know techniques! Master Shake: He's gonna keep the strippers from running away from you when you go on your yarns about science breasts and why test tubes are fun and your scintillating telescope. Nobody cares what's up there! They want to see the goods; what's down here! Frylock: They're not strippers! Two of them are men! Master Shake: Well that means one of them isn't. Carl: And she is who I will be working over with smooth talk. And you laugh whenever I point to you! That makes it like, I'm funny and girls like funny guys, and then I give her some d***. Master Shake: No! I'm the one wearing the fragrance! (doorbell) Fruits: (Saying hi) Frylock: Oh hey! Tammy Tangerine: Oh hello! So nice to meet you! Carl: All right, this ain't happening. I'll see you fruits later. Master Shake: Wawaa... wawaa... wait, wait, my wingman! C'mon! One of them is a woman. Carl: You poke it at her and figure it out. I have standards! Frylock: So you guys are uh.. I didn't realize.. I thought the portraits were just avatars on the internet. You guys are real fruit, huh? Bert Banana: Well sure, silly. I am Bert Banana. This is Tammy Tangerine, and this is Mortimer Mango. Fruits one and all. Frylock: Well as you guys already know, I'm Frylock. And this is my roommate... Master Shake: No no! Frylock: Shake! Master Shake: I'm leaving, that's my name. But it's very nice to meet ya. Meatwad: And I'm Meatwad. I'm a ball of meat. Tammy Tangerine: Wow! Mortimer Mango: That's wonderful! Tammy Tangerine: How do you do it? Mortimer Mango: I'm a huge meat fan. Bert Banana: Hey! Wait a second, this is interesting. You're food; we're food; we're all food! Meatwad: We're gonna get along good! Bert Banana: Finally, together, breaking bread as God intended! Tammy Tangerine: Hallelujah! Frylock: Uhh... yeah.. I guess. Can I get you guys somethin'? How about a mojito? Bert Banana: No, no, no. No rum for me. Just Jesus, thank you. Frylock: Oh, you're Christian? Mortimer Mango: Oh yes, He died for me! Bert Banana: Praise him! Tammy Tangerine: Amen! Mortimer Mango: Have an anointed day. Frylock: All right! well, now that we have the day anointed, let's kick off the night time! Bert Banana: Uh.. Uh, no. Tammy Tangerine: We used to party, but those days are way behind us now. Mortimer Mango: That was a different time. Tammy Tangerine: We're into the Holy Trinity, and not the eight-ball. Those are our numbers-three, okay? Mortimer Mango: Oh praise him. biblefruit5.mp3 Tammy Tangerine: We used to go out and we would pick a runaway up or a stranger or even a hobo and just have crazy debauched sex all night long. Just makes me sick to think about it. Mortimer Mango: That's actually how we met. Tammy Tangerine: And of course, no one wanted to have sex with us; we're fruit, too gushy. So, you know, Bert would blame me and my fat ass and then he would hit me as hard as he could and... you used to give me such a wallop, Right, Bert? Remember that Bert? Bert! Remember how hard you would hit me? Bert Banana: As hard as I could. As long as I could. Frankly, all the hitting drained me. I had to go to the hospital and have my hands replaced. I was too high. Too out of my mind! And know I had ruined my hands hitting her. But those days are over. No crack for me. No beating my fiancé. No strangling drifters for sex. No! No more. 'Cause Jesus lives in my heart. Yaaay... Jesus! Tammy Tangerine: High-five Jesus! Mortimer Mango: You did it again, Jesus! Frylock: Okay. That's funny; you didn't mention any of this in your emails.. Tammy Tangerine: Oh I feel a prayer coming on. Mortimer Mango: Let's all bow our heads. Tammy Tangerine: I got my praying hands! Mortimer Mango: Okay, start bowing. Now. Bert Banana: Easy, Mortimer. Back off! He may not be a Christian...yet. Mortimer Mango: Well let's ask him! biblefruit6.mp3 Bert Banana: Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior? Frylock: Well, I'm very spiritual and I do think that Church serves a place in the community, but I-- Bert Banana: But you know.. that he died for you and absolved you of all your sin! Frylock: I have read that, yes. Bert Banana: And you believe! Frylock: Well, I believe that I've read it. Bert Banana: Interesting...interesting. Tell me this: have you read King Kong? Frylock: Uh, no. Bert Banana: You have, okay, and you believe that don't you? But before you answer me, I just uh.. you know what, go ahead and pour me... a little bit of a full glass of that rum. Tammy Tangerine: Bert.. Bert Banana: No ice, no ice! Tammy Tangerine: Bert no.. Bert Banana: Hey, I can handle it. It's just something to moisten my lips. I'm not going back to the darkness, sweetie. Mortimer Mango: Bert, you've been sober for 47 straight days (pouring rum down the sink) Frylock: Hey, dammit, that's my rum! You don't have to pour it down the sink, man! Mortimer Mango: We're going to do it together. Right, Bert? Bert Banana: You don't have a monkey wrench, do you? Tammy Tangerine: Bert, I know what you're thinking and... Bert Banana: What, I'm not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U-trap. Heh...that's what an animal does! (Mortimer turns on faucet) Bert Banana: Dammit, Mortimer, you're diluting it! (Tammy Tangerine holds Bert Banana, begging him to pray until it passes as he struggles to get to the booze) Tammy Tangerine: Hold me, hold me. Pray until it passes! We'll just pray until the doves erupt from our chests and fly into the sun! Bert Banana: Yes. Bow your heads. (Praying in tongues) Meatwad: Okay... nice to meet y'all and your.. special language. I got to run. Frylock: Wait, Meatwad! Don't go! Meatwad: I gots to boy, this ain't my problem! Listen to that! Frylock: Uh, is he always like this? Mortimer Mango: Jesus gives people obstacles to make them stronger. So that they can win. He plays a beautiful trick on us. Frylock: Yeah.. Mortimer Mango: So you said you're into science. Thats--That's kinda like my job; I work in a cereal factory. Bert Banana: Get out of my way, you orange whore! (throws Tammy Tangerine) Frylock (to Mortimer): Hold that thought. Bert Banana: Oh come on! Stupid! Someone unscrew these pipes or I will shoot myself tonight! I will do it this time! Tammy Tangerine: No, honey, don't! Mortimer Mango (to Frylock): Don't worry. This is... this happens... a lot. And I have his gun. Bert Banana: Son of a... dammit! Tammy Tangerine: No, honey, don't! Bert Banana: Useless... surgically attached... banana hands! biblefruit7.mp3 Tammy Tangerine: I'm so sorry. We're not normally not like this. Bert Banana: Okay. All right I see and now you want sex with the fries. Is that it? Yeah, tell him some more lies! That's what you're good at! Lies from the wolf! Tammy Tangerine: I'm sorry, Bert. Bert Banana: Yes, you are... a sorry sack of tangerine bitch. Go do him! I'll watch! Do it before thine eyes! Tammy Tangerine: Oh Bert, please don't hit me! Bert Banana: Then get the liquor faster. Frylock: Well, ya'll make yourself at home. I need to go get some uh... Bert Banana: Son of a... dammit! Frylock: Ah f*** it. I just need to go. Bert Banana: Come on, give me just a little bit of that booger sugar. Tammy Tangerine: Bert, no. You can't-- Bert Banana: I'll make you feel real good with my mouth. Tammy Tangerine: Bert, calm down, Bert... Bert Banana: I will not calm down until cocaine enters my system! Meatwad: Check it out; the ultimate game! Mortimer Mango: Bert, you do not want to do this right now. This is not-- Bert Banana: Do you have some? Mortimer Mango: No. It is the devil Bert Banana: You do! You have some! You had some this whole time! Mortimer Mango: I have not touched cocaine in three years. Bert Banana: You liar!! I will drag you right into my private hell. You don't want to know my pain! I HAVE A DEMON INSIDE OF ME!! biblefruit8.mp3 Mortimer Mango: Maybe we should just get him a little bit... (to Frylock) Oh good, you're still here. So... um, wow. So before you mentioned you were into science. Frylock: Yeah man. Mortimer Mango: Yeah that must be a fun job. Frylock: Look, I don't have any cocaine. Mortimer Mango: I was not going to ask you for cocaine, sir. Frylock: Good. Then I don't have to answer it. Mortimer Mango: Well I used to be an addict. I mean it was terrible. Do you see this? (shows missing fingers) I was building a birdhouse on drugs and I lost two fingers. I feverishly wanted to finish it and I wasn't making sound decisions. Frylock: Remember my roommate, the cup you met earlier? He's filled with crystal meth. Mortimer Mango: Oh cool. Thanks! (to Bert and Tammy) Everybody split up! We have to find the cup! The cup has the drugs! Tammy Tangerine: The cup?! Bert Banana: The cup?! Mortimer Mango: There's crystal meth in the cup! Tammy Tangerine: Filled with magic. Bert Banana: I saw the cup. It's in the back. Go after him! Get that cup! Tammy Tangerine: Get him! biblefruit9.mp3 Meatwad: (holding wires and sitting on a tire) All right, so, how do I do it now? Frylock: Are you grounded? Meatwad: Yep. Frylock: Okay, good. Now touch the red wire to the green wire. Meatwad: Okay, but what, what about Shake? [In the window, Bert is going after Shake with an axe] Frylock: What about him? Meatwad: Heh, that's what I said, yo. Ba-ba-boom! [Meatwad touches the wires together; the house explodes] Recent Updates Lasagna Frames Last Dance for Napkin Lad Frames Allen Part 1 Frames Allen Part 2 Frames The Intervention Frames Freedom Cobra Frames The Creditor Frames Vampirus Frames Wi-Tri Frames Jumpy George Frames