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Episode 71 - Sirens

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sirens1.mp3

Carl: So, you know, very roomy. Put your flat screen TV over there. Ya got.. step over the corpses there. You know, the city been notified about that, ya know. But uh, the flies have cut off most of the meat anyways. You drop a throw rug on it and you're good to go.

Carl: Man, I am focusing a lot of them corpses. Uh, so what do you say? We got a deal here?
Markula: You skipped over the wooden paneling. Talk more about the wooden paneling.
Carl: Uh, is that a feature?
Markula: It is the best feature.
Carl: All right, yeah sure. But check this out! Yeah football fan! You're at the fifty yard line! Cause you ain't just watchin' the game; you in the game! ...I mean, not really, ya know, you're watching the game. But uh, it's sorta like you are in action even though you might be passed out.
Markula: I don't like how you try to sell my house.
Carl: Come on, man! This is a sport lover's fantasy!
Markula: I don't like sports. No one does.
Carl: All right, look, Uh let's be frank that gas leak is going to kill anybody that tries to move in here.
Markula: I'm not fixing that gas leak for you or anybody!
Carl: All right, all right, fine, fine, I understand. Are you are you, totally set on that price?

sirens2.mp3

Carl: I mean, 20 grand a month man.
Markula: I need that money. The cost of blood is going up. I need to feed.
Carl: Yeah, you keep throwing around words like "blood" and "feed". I mean, feed what?

Markula: Never you mind. I've said too much already. Oh, I'm so stupid. Stupid!
Carl: I mean, maybe paint a mural, like the '91 Giants... like cresting a hill.
Markula: Carl, I'm starting to think you are not right for this job. This is not a fit.
Carl: Really? Then fit this! You need me I'll be next door, getting comfortable with myself. In the nude! Heheheh!

sirens3.mp3

Carl: Ah yeah. Oh, you are naughty. Yes, you are a cheerleader aren't you? An enormous 300 pound cheerleader. Not too many cheerleaders missing teeth, but sure, I'll go with the fantasy. Yeah, yeah, get the mascot involved, that's right.

Carl: The guy in the bear outfit. I'm so desensitized it's just gotta be completely bananas to get me off. (Beep) Hey!
Computer Woman: Oh baby! Your credit card limit has reached its climax! Bye!
Carl: No! No-no-no! No!! What the-- Hey! I'm tryin' to get erotic here! Keep it down! Hey! Open up in there! --I just came by to
say welcome..to your high beams! Uh, that came out wrong. I meant to say boo--uh boobs. Who are you?
Sirens: I'm your fantasy, Carl.
Carl: Really?
Sirens: There is no credit card required to sleep with us.
Carl: Whoa! Comin' on strong! Us? Who's us?
Sirens: Me and my sisters. I am Chrysanthemum. This is the BJ Queen. This is John Kruk!
John Kruk: What's up man?
Carl: Kruk?! From the Phillies?!
John Kruk: Uh, yeah man. That's me.
Carl: Dude! I hit you with a battery in '89! You remember? D-cell?
John Kruk: Yeah, I remember you, yeah. I've still got the scar. And I still use that battery, thanks man!
Carl: I gotta tell you I spent about three nights in the clink cause of that, but it was so worth it to see you just drop to your knees in anguish! So what are you doin' here man? Hangin' out with these whores? Heheheh! ...I mean no disrespect, seriously.
John Kruk: I'm a siren now.
Carl: Yeah? So what's that-like a..like a team or something?
John Kruk: No man. It's a, it's like I'm their sister. And we sing songs to people..
Carl: Oh, like a band, yeah.
John Kruk: No, no, that's not really it.
Sirens: Sing for him John Kruk.
John Kruk: No, not right now. It's not a good time for me to sing.
Sirens: Yes, you must!
John Kruk: Do I really have to sing?
Carl: Go on, man. Sing. She said you sing. Go do it.
John Kruk: Sing, sing, sing. That's all these girls do. My God, they're frickin' crazy.
Carl: Do 'Dirty Deeds Done Cheap'.
Sirens: Sing for him, John Kruk!
John Kruk: La..la... (continues)
Carl: Oh, you suck!
Sirens: John Kruk is not a good singer. We mask his hideous voice with more volume!
John Kruk: What the?! You kidnap me, you torture me with your sick games, and I gotta sit around here with a clamp on my..thing. I mean, what the hell do you guys want from me?!
Carl: Ho, ho ho.. Go back. You guys do.. sex games here?
John Kruk: Yeah... I guess. Hey, what do you guys think if this guy could take my place for a bit? You know, I'd love to go see my kids.
Carl: Yeah, I'd totally take his place here.
Sirens: No, no, John Kruk.
Carl: Yeah, no man. Go see your family.
Sirens: Down boy, down!
John Kruk: You know, maybe you should just go on home. Don't worry about what we do over here. It's not even painful anymore.
Carl: You sure now?! I could totally...get into this...
John Kruk: No, no, I'll just..catch up with you later.

sirens5.mp3

Carl: All right. I'm next door if you need anything. Certainly, if you need another piece of meat to fit inside your sex sandwich!
John Kruk: Carl, please.
Carl: And I don't even mind that you're a dude. You are a potential Hall of Famer!
John Kruk: Dude, just go!
Carl: .300 career batting average! I could totally have sex next to you!
Sirens: He said go!
John Kruk: Dude, go!
Carl: Well, all right.. But uh..

Carl: I'll totally get naked with you.
Sirens: Close the door on him!
Carl: Oh, this door? (Slams)

Sirens: (Song) 69, when you eat a junk lunch. At the same time, that you get your junk munched. And givin', and gettin', and givin', and gettin' it on. I'm givin', and gettin', and givin', and gettin' it on.
Carl: Quiet, quiet, quiet!!
Sirens: Wait, did someone just hear? It sounded like a power tool! Yeah, it was like a drill or something.
Carl: Sssshhh. There we go. (blows) All right. It's magic hour. Now, just reach up and grab 'em.
Markula: Carl!
Carl: Ahh!! Markula! What are you-- What's goin' on man?
Markula: I would ask you the same thing!
Carl: Oh me? I'm drillin' a hole. Runnin' some wires through here.. for some.. speakers! That's right, puttin' 'em right here in the bushes.
Markula: Good call. I want this side yard to reek of sound. What is going on in there?
Carl: I don't know neither! You go check it out!
Markula: I will! (goes inside and returns) It's all fine.
Carl: Fine?! What do you mean?
Markula: See for yourself.
Carl: Oh no.. John Kruk... Baseball's lost a legend.
Markula: See, they're fine. They're going to be good tenants.
Carl: You people stay far away from me!

Carl: (doorbell) Ahh!! Friggin'..
John Kruk: Hey, what's up man? Did you see my paper?
Carl: I saw you last night..
John Kruk: Oh yeah, with the girls.
Carl: Yeah with the girls.
John Kruk: In the living room.
Carl: In the living room, yeah.

sirens6.mp3

John Kruk: Yeah, they're pretty hot huh? Hey, check this out man. (unzips flesh) All this skin comes off with a zipper, see?
Carl: And the harpoons?
John Kruk: Oh this harpoon hole? Surgically made for the illusion. Dude, it's so hot! The biggest sexual organ is your brain, you know what I mean?
Carl: ...no.

John Kruk: Honestly, don't knock it until you've tried it.
Carl: Well I'm presently unattached.. I mean, you know? How I go about doin' that?
John Kruk: Well you can go dance for them, see what they say. I mean what the hell, Give it a shot.
Carl: I don't dance unless I'm totally wasted.
John Kruk: All right! Then let's get wasted!

sirens7.mp3

Carl: (Singing Drunk) That's from the live album.

Sirens: [singing] We do not like it.
John Kruk: You know, that kinda means they don't like it, Carl.
Carl: Oh c'mon! What do I gotta do here?

sirens8.mp3

John Kruk: Take this knife, slice off your nipples, and feed them to the sisters--like grapes.
Carl: All right. No, I'm not doing that.
John Kruk: Oh c'mon buddy, you know you're drunk.
Carl: Yeah, I know. [cuts off his nipples] And it's a good thing too otherwise I would totally feel this.
John Kruk: Do you have 'em? Okay, now take 'em, and throw them in the sewer.
Carl: I thought that you said-
John Kruk: You thought what?! That you're stupid? You're so stupid! That's for hitting me with the battery at Shea you asshole!
Carl: So, they don't want the nipples?
John Kruk: Dude, who would want them? Dogs don't even want them. Okay?

Carl: All right, John Kruk. Take it easy man. I'll uh.. catch up with you later.

sirens9.mp3

Markula: I found these nipples in the sewers. Is anyone you know missing any nipples? There's no way they could be sewed back on, I mean, too much time has passed by now.
Carl: I don't know nobody, so maybe you keep walkin'.
Markula: Well I guess I'll keep looking.
Carl: Yeah, keep lookin'.
Markula: Maybe place an ad in the paper? It would be a big color ad, it would say "Nipples Found!"

sirens10.mp3

Markula: Finally, nipples of my own!
Sirens: They're so beautiful!
Markula: Don't you think I know that?
John Kruk: Yeah, that's great. Couldn't be happier for you! I have an idea, how about if I go see my wife and kids?
Markula: I have a better idea, it's called "Pizza for Everyone!" Pizza party! Who has money?