Click on the filename above the transcription to download the clip. Enjoy!
bartoates1.mp3 Frylock: Just tell me what it is you did wrong! Master Shake: Oh, what?! You think you did ever--everything right? Frylock: Okay. I see what's happening here. You got another DUI didn't you? Meatwad: Hang up on his ass. Frylock: I'm gonna have to bus down there, okay?! Master Shake: I'm gonna have to take the bus from now on permanently! According to what some guy told me. And I ain't riding that cheese box! It's a major deterent for the women! Meatwad: Women will not kiss you on the bus. Frylock: Okay, look. It's gonna take me awhile-- Meatwad: Hang up on him.
bartoates2.mp3 Carl: Hey Fryman. I got this post-it-note that was left on the curb for me. "Thanks for car. M.S." Frylock: Oh man. Carl: Yeah. Frylock: Ah I'm sure it'll be back. Carl: Ya think? That'd be so thoughtful.
bartoates3.mp3 Carl: Bam! ...don't worry about this rip. I just uh accidentally ripped it pulling it out of the box. Frylock: Are the "Gnats" a team? Carl: Nah. "Gnats"? What da frick- it's supposed to be the Giants! I friggin' told them immigrants! No wonder they cut me a deal. What a deal! They probably don't even have giants in their country; they're so frickin' tiny. Look at this crap. Half of them dissolved in the box. Frylock: Well, you know what they say "you get what you pay for." Carl: I tell ya what: how 'bout I take 20% off. Frylock: How 'bout no. Carl: Aw c'mon man, I seen you flyin' around so fast. People won't even notice, right? High-five football fan. Frylock: I really don't like sports Carl. Carl: ..Oh yeah? Well, you're a f**!
bartoates4.mp3 Master Shake: Oh, very important. Security code. Meatwad: We ain't got none. Master Shake: So just go right in. Crazy Guy: ...pants stuck to my butt.. Meatwad: When is Frylock gettin' here? Master Shake: I don't know, but I'm pissed about it.
bartoates5.mp3 Bart Oates: The "Gnats"?? What is this Carl? Carl: Oh, that? It's uh.. it's just, uh, it's a tribute! To your majesty. Bart Oates: Carl, by doing this you're taking food out of NFL player's mouths! Carl: I'm so sorry, Bart... but, dude! I followed your whole Pro Bowl season in '90. You had a sack prevented index, it's like 0.9! It's ridiculous! Your blocking ratio was 4-to-1. You were playing out of your mind that season! And then 1994, you frickin' signed with the 'Niners. You broke my frickin' heart, Bart. You pancaked it! Bart Oates: I was there when you destroyed my poster, and you said, "I hope he gets injured." Carl:Flashback Enjoy San Francisco, pansy! I hope you tear your ACL, jackass!! Carl: I said that? Bart Oates: Three years later, I had knee surgery, and I had to retire, Carl. Carl: So, I, I made you, have like knee surgery by saying that? Bart Oates: In a way, yes, you did. Carl: That's awesome. I mean, I'm sorry in retrospect, but that's so awesome I was able to do that! I hate the 'Niners!
bartoates6.mp3 Frylock: Hey Carl. What's up? Carl: Oh crap. Hide. Frylock: Hide? From what? Carl: From uh... Bart Oates: Just play it off as a joke. Carl: ...From uh, you know … black people've been runnin' around here. Bart Oates: ...That's not really a joke Carl. Carl: C'mon man, I'm tryin'.
bartoates7.mp3 Frylock: OK, Carl look: I felt really bad about your car, so I brought you some fresh parsley and oregano from my herb garden. Carl: Oh, great. Weeds. This will help me get to the strip club. Where's my frickin' car?!? Frylock: Well, it's kinda been impounded. Carl: What?!? You tell me right now, Fry Man, where my frickin' car is, or I'm going to rip that paper box head of yours in half! Bart Oates: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy Carl. You don't want a penalty for roughing the neighbor. I mean, that's fifteen yards and that hurts the team. Frylock: Whoa, whoa, hey, Carl! Carl: It's okay, it's okay. I'm not mad. Okay? So, uh, where's my f-ing car, please, sir?
bartoates8.mp3 Carl: Look, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you tried to walk in front of me when I clearly had the right of way! Bart Oates: Hey, Carl, you know, that's not really the spirit of this. Carl: All right, all right, all right, look...reset. I am very glad that the forensics could not match the paint on your face to the paint on my fender, but I am sorry that you had to pay the ultimate price for not lookin' both ways! I did not wave you on, I was flippin' you off! Bart Oates: Carl … Carl: OK ... all right. I'm sorry, you're dead. Bart Oates: You're in the red zone now, buddy, you gotta close the deal. Carl: Well, me answering questions to a bunch of cops wasn't never gonna bring you back-- Bart Oates: Be a champ. Go all the way. Carl: --OK, I'M SORRY I HIT YOU, ALL RIGHT?!? And that's as sorry as I'm ever gonna be. You were old. I could tell!
bartoates9.mp3 Carl: I don't recognize this place. Bart Oates: Carl, huddle up. This is Linda Hamilton's house. She is destined to play Sarah Connor in The Terminator. And Sarah will give birth to John, and he will lead the resistance to the rise against the machines. Carl: Well, I mean she's already been in that movie. Bart Oates: Well, I've been sent by the machines to get you to kill Linda Hamilton. Carl: What're you talking about man? She's an actress. Bart Oates: C'mon Carl. Ya gotta do it brother. Ya gotta go all the way. Do it for Tuna, do it for L.T. C'mon man, this is our house. This is Linda's house. We gotta run a trap and you gotta lay a big hurt on Linda. Carl: "Lay a big hurt on"- listen to yourself. She's an actress! It was a movie! This is friggin' stupid! Bart Oates: "Stupid?" Are you kidding me? Listen man, when I had my knee surgery the computers replaced all my parts with metal machinery. Wanna see? Carl: Looks like they did it on a budget. I don't see any computers in there. Bart Oates: What? Carl: Lotta cans here. Bart Oates: Oh man, the computers lied to me. Carl: Ah, ya think? Bart Oates: Oh no! My whole life is a sham! Linda Hamilton's Alarm System: Intruders! Carl: All right drama queen, lets get outta here before Linda wakes up.
