Dr. Weird's Answering Machine: Gentleman, you have reached Dr. Weird's residence. Now speak at the tone! Deck Salesman: Hello Dr Wired Wired? Weird? Dr. Weird: Steve, send the phone spiders. Deck Salesman: This is Jay Edwards with Chauna (?) Construction Company. With spring here we thought you might be interested in a new deck-- Ahh! Spiders!! Dr. Weird: I guess we're not interested!! Hahaha!
OPENING CREDITS
totalrecarl15.mp3 Frylock: Carl? Carl? Yo, Carl! Open the door! Carl: Dammit. Frylock: I got a gift for you. Carl: Go away. Go away! So tired of this.. Friggin' go away, you freak.
totalrecarl1.mp3 Frylock: Carl, did you lose something behind the couch? Carl: Yeah, I did. I lost peace and quiet! What do you need? What do you want? Can I not just live here without having to occasionally deal with you animals?! Frylock: Well.. yeah. It's your house. Carl: That's right it is. Frylock: And look what I just added to it! Carl: Oh, nice. A crapper.
Frylock: That's no ordinary toilet, Carl. That toilet is environmentally friendly. Do you know how much water is used up when you flush the toilet? Carl: I give. What? Frylock: 3 gallons. Carl: Wow. What a waste. The poor children.
totalrecarl2.mp3 Frylock: This one uses highly compressed air, creating a super vacuum which completely obliterates all waste upon impact. Carl: Oh, goodie! So I should just sorta let the neighbors know that I'm gonna be kinda, ya know, exposing myself 4-5 times a day, depending on what I eat? Maybe we could sell some tickets. Come by and take pictures! This is where I do my business from now on!
Frylock: No, no no. This is the best part Carl. Press this button and an infared privacy curtain is activated, rendering you virtually invisible! Carl: Oh, okay. Sorta like that movie 'Predator'. Only instead of huntin' people, he's like crappin'. Frylock: Or the Hollow Man. I mean, you choose your science fiction fantasy: You'll be living it every time you go to the bathroom!
totalrecarl18.mp3 Frylock: Go ahead, try it out. Carl: I don't need to go right now. Frylock: Oh, that's cool. I mean, I'll wait. Carl: No, you won't. Frylock: Oh, I get it. You want to be alone when you go to the... Oh, Carl. By the way, we also made you a little care package for your new adventure. Carl: Oh boy, fiber tablets. Yum, yum. Frylock: Oh yeah! Dip them in the stool softener, I mean, it's delicious. ...There's espresso there too if-- Carl: LEAVE!
totalrecarl3.mp3 Meatwad: Hey.. did he do number 2 yet? Frylock: Damn! He drank all the coffee and half of those tablets--still hasn't gone. Meatwad: Shoot, I bet he's gonna poop himself inside out! He's gonna lift right off the ground! It's gonna be like the Hulk ripping outta the back of his pants. Frylock: Shut up, Meatwad! Meatwad: Okay. It's gonna smell like a papermill, you know that don't ya?
Meatwad: Why are we doing this? This seems sick. Frylock: Well, the Super-Toilet needs to be tested on humans before I can actually apply for a patent. Meatwad: Well he ain't gonna poop in the yard. He'll go inside to do that. Frylock: Not if his door's locked. Carl: Hey, God! Come on, I gotta go! Meatwad: I just can't go, ya know, when people watchin. Master Shake: We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for years and it will continue to work! Meatwad: I don't know who's clothes that is. Somebody ain't wearin' that again. I tell ya that. Carl: Where's the invisible thing. Ah, screw it, I gotta do this. FrylocK: Oh, oh. Shut up. He's about to sit down. Master Shake: Lemme see. Lemme see! I don't wanna see that!! Nobody wants to see that! What're you trying to do? Kill me?! Meatwad: I thought you was gonna make him invisible when he does that? Frylock: Hell no! I can't afford to do that. Master Shake: That has been burned into my retinas!
totalrecarl4.mp3 Frylock: Look, we'll be cool as long as the police don't drive by. Put down the phone, Shake. Master Shake: What? I was just cleaning...the dial...it's very dirty.
Carl: Look at them bras! Heheheh. Narrator: I ain't trying to watch Carl take no criz-nap baby.
totalrecarl5.mp3 Master Shake: He's just sitting there reading.. with his pants down.. naked, I might add. And for God's sake, burn those moles off, will ya? Frylock: Do you realize that every time someone-- Master Shake:Yes, I know. 3 gallons! 3 gallons! Hoop-dee-damn doo. Meatwad: Hoop-de-damn doo doo. Master Shake: Shut up! I said that first and you copied me. Meatwad: You did not! Master Shake: I did too. Do. To do. See, I did it again!
Frylock: Will you shut up?! You're ruining my moment. Master Shake: Yeah, your moment. His movement. I got a book comin out! Carl: Okay. That wasn't too bad. Where's the frickin' flush on this thing? Ahh, oh God! Meatwad: Oh, dizamn.
Meatwad: Gentleman, we have the technology. We can re-build him.
totalrecarl14.mp3 Meatwad: And here ya go, Carl. You may feel a little stiffness tomorrow, but that'll be natural.. Hey, just while we're on the subject, can I use your pool? (Meatwad doing Carl): Yes, Meatwad, you may. Meatwad: Okay. Thank you.
Frylock: So there's the head! Meatwad, I've been looking all over for that thing!
totalrecarl7.mp3 Meatwad: Oh, don't act like it's yours. It's Carl's head and he been using it to tell me I can go swimming and..uh.. Hey, can I drink some beer? (Meatwad doing Carl): Help yourself, it's in the back. Meatwad: And drink his beer. Master Shake: You know what, Carl? I thank you and I will take you up on your generous offer and have some of your beers. (Meatwad doing Carl): Shake can't have any.
Meatwad: You tell 'em Carl! FrylocK: Look, this head can't stay attached from Carl's body for too long. Meatwad: It's attached! Master Shake: It ain't goin' nowhere. It's bungy'ed to the tree! Frylock: Shut the f*** up Shake, you know what I mean!
Meatwad: What's this thing here? Frylock: I'm keeping his head alive with electrical impulses. And the computer is able to translate his brain output into text. Meatwad: Really?!
totalrecarl8.mp3 Meatwad: Is that an F? He's droppin' F-bombs over here! Frylock: Don't look over here, Meatwad. These are just words you don't need to learn. Meatwad: I'm gonna start droppin' F-bombs. Listen to this: Fart you, fart head. Master Shake: That's not how F-bombs are dropped, you idgit! Frylock: Oh, come on Shake! Meatwad: Oh, the fart it is, farter. Fart all y'all, y'all go fart yourselves.
Master Shake: Hey, Chief. Where do you want this? Frylock: You drove that thing through town?! Master Shake: It's cool, I stayed on the shoulder the whole way. Frylock: Well at least bring it through the back, damn! Meatwad: Yeah, you heard'em. Bring it through the fartin' back! Frylock: Dammit, Shake! Master Shake: You said the back! What is this? The front now?
Frylock: All the nerves are connected. I think we're ready! Carl, can you hear me? Carl: Wha, wha happened there. Frylock: Well we don't know. We're just glad you're all right. I mean, you don't remember what happened, do you?
totalrecarl9.mp3 Carl: I remember some things.. I'm just not too clear on being so old.. and black. Why am I black? And where did I get this suit? It's ridiculous.
Master Shake: This is not a time for you to be picky, Carl. That's all you can get when you go to the West End. Carl: Get it off, rip it off. What am I doing, oh God! Frylock: Oh no! The body's rejecting the head! Carl: Oh, ya think?! Get it off me! Frylock: Hold on! Meatwad: So.. did it work? Master Shake: Of course it worked! Frylock: No it didn't! Master Shake: Of course it worked not at all. Which is what I was trying to say, before I was so rudely interrupted. Frylock: Take this body back, and not throught town!
Master Shake: Frylock, letter for you, Meatwad... get a life! The rest, for me! Frylock: Oh, good! The ??? organ bank! Master Shake: Oh yeah, I dealt with these yacko's directly. Frylock: "Dr. Frylock: While we appreciate your interest in body construction research, we cannot legally send you a quote-unquote 'buttload of organs' regardless on whether we plan on using them. Master Shake: I didn't say 'buttload'! I said, 'assload'! Beauracrats! To think, I was polite with these people, that's the worst part. Meatwad: What's that big ol' box outside? Frylock: Yes! Someone did respond! Meatwad: It's soggy. Who the fart is it from? Frylock: Wegotussomemedicalwaste.com
Master Shake: You call this organic?! Frylock: Well you look in the box! All they sent were eyeballs! Master Shake: I'm not going near that box. Frylock: Let's just see if it works. Master Shake: Wait a minute. Before you turn him on: Do you think he'll be able to see us? Frylock: In ways you can only imagine.
totalrecarl10.mp3 Master Shake: But look, I mean...is he gonna be able to chase us? `Cuz if I woke up lookin' like that, I would just run toward the nearest living thing and kill it.
Meatwad: Hey, ya'll. Check me out. I'm Shaun Cassidy. Frylock: Would you put those back! They're not for you! Master Shake: Yeah, that's a good one. What the hell are you talking about? Meatwad: Well, he was a Hardy Boy and they was private eyes... plus he had like ten eyes in his head. Master Shake: Okay, I'll give it to ya. Carl: Hello, is anyone here? Why do my knees feel like they wanna tear up? Frylock: Carl! It works! Carl: What works? Master Shake: All of them! Look! Get it when I say 'look'? Hahah Frylock: Yeah, yeah. Carl, just walk over here. Master Shake: You gotta study me, like a pupil! Like a pupil-- hahaha. Carl: Okay, hang on a sec. Ahhhhh, oh, that hurts so bad!! Frylock: Oh, don't worry about that Carl. Right now your feet are made of eyeballs, but they'll toughen up over time.
totalrecarl11.mp3 Carl: May I see a mirror, please? Master Shake: All right, here ya go.. Shaun Cassidy. Carl: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa.. Oohhhh, gross!! Master Shake: What're you, an idiot? You've never heard of Sean Cassidy?
Carl: So that explains the breeze I've been feeling... in my thighs. Frylock: Well we'll craft some synthetic lids, and then you'll be able to walk around normally. Carl: Why do that? Why don't we just blow my brains out now and save yourself some time?! Frylock: Look, Carl. This is gonna hurt, but try to take another step towards me. Carl: Believe me, I will. I'm coming for ya. Give me a hug Fryman! Frylock: That's kinda tight! Carl: I'm gonna hug the breath right out of ya! Frylock: Okay, plan C.
totalrecarl12.mp3 >
Frylock: I give you the ultimate in military hardware! Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles. Master Shake: And you're gonna plug him in?! Frylock: You're right. Damn.. What the hell was I thinking? Meatwad: Fudge. Frylock: That's not an F-bomb. Meatwad: Fudge you.
Carl: Turn it left. Turn it left! I keep hittin' the same spot. Look, you're gonna break my frickin' nose. Frylock: Oh, sorry Carl. I still haven't gotten the hang of it-- Carl: Just give me the damn thing!!
totalrecarl13.mp3 Frylock: Here, this little steering wheel makes it go left and right, and this switch here is power. Carl: Which button sorta turns me to the lawyer and makes me sue the hell outta you? Frylock: All right, easy Carl. Don't make me have to shut the power off. Carl: D-d-d-don't do that. Just sorta put it on my chin. I'll frickin' steer it with my tongue.
Frylock: That...may not work. Let's just get Meatwad to drive ya home. Meatwad! Master Shake: Get him off me, please!!! Meatwad: Yes? Master Shake: I didn't mean it! Everything I say about you, I mean about myself! Meatwad: Shut up, 'fore I make it worse! Frylock: Not in the house!! Master Shake: No-no-no-no I need to live!!! Meatwad: Zone in-target. Got him! Fudge you, butthole!
