Aqua Teen Adventures - Premiere Online Source for Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Episode 29 - Universal Remonster

Click on the filename above the transcription to download the clip. Enjoy!

universalremonster1.mp3

Steve: Sheesh. You call this a vacation?
Dr Weird: No. I call it Taco Island!

universalremonster2.mp3

Master Shake: Who's laughin' now, bitch? Piece of crap cable!
Frylock: What are you doing?!
Master Shake: Maintenance, shut up.
Meatwad: No, no, no. Don't shake it up, let the snow settle. That way you can see the little San Francisco in there.
Master Shake: Oh, come here. Let's see if we can see it together!
Meatwad: Okay.
Master Shake: Hah! It's not a snow globe you ignoramus!
Frylock: How many TVs have you broken this year?
Master Shake: A lot more than you have! I'm teaching this object a lesson. If it doesn't want to get hit anymore, it'll straighten up and fly right!

Master Shake: Is that not right?!
Frylock: That’s odd, the connection on the cable feels fine.
Master Shake: Of course it does! 'Cause it’s trying to trick you! You’re falling for it, but not me! Look at it, it’s laughing at us!
Meatwad: It is laughing at me.
Master Shake: Let’s see how funny it is when I do THIS! (Hits it again, and the television suddenly turns on) There she goes! She just needed a good ass-whoopin’!

universalremonster3.mp3

Oglethorpe: We have successfully traveled eons across both space and time through the fargate to get free cable!
Emory: I think it's a Stargate.
Oglethorpe: It's the Fargate. F. It's different from that movie which I have never seen.. so how would I copy it?
Emory: Chill, man. It's all right. Let's just turn it on.
Oglethorpe: I just want to make sure that we are clear it's the fargate. Goes far, get it? And there's just no way it came from the movie or that syndicated series based on the movie.
Emory: But it sure was a good movie.
Oglethorpe: Ya, yes it was.

Oglethorpe: Turn on the TV. Maybe it’s on!
Emory: I don’t have clearance for that.
Oglethorpe: Yes, only the inner circle of high-ranking diplomats with the security clearance get to watch the big TV. You look away! Retinal scan, on! AHH! DAMMIT! WRONG LASER, WRONG LASER! Why didn’t you label them?!
Emory: Well, you said don’t label them, 'cause it was top secret and no one was supposed to know.
Oglethorpe: Well, now you label them. Where are my eyes?!
Emory: I got ‘em. (Turns on TV with his eyes) All right, it worked!
Oglethorpe: Of course it worked. And it’s free. Now let’s have some fun watching it. Describe to me the action. Does it excite your emotions? Is it funny or is it sad?
Emory: It’s funny...if you like public television.
Oglethorpe: PUBLIC! No! Put my eyes in so that I might furrow my brow and express the anger that I am feeling. Now change unt channel!
Emory: Well that’s like, the one thing we can’t do. But it’s free! And...that’s cool, right?
Oglethorpe: Get me...the Universal Re-Monster!
Emory: Um, we’re still um, we’re still beta-testing that.
Oglethorpe: What you’re testing is me and my patience! Get him out here now!

universalremonster4.mp3

Oglethorp: This what you call a Remonster? Where are his claws and his fangs? He must have giant feet and thirst for blood, and now you've ruined my vision!
Emory: Yeah, what if we just um.. What if we could just call him the Universal Remobot? I mean, he is a robot.
Oglethorpe: But Remonster is his name, it's branding!
Emory: This whole monster thing kinda feels a little tacked on, actually.
Oglethorpe: I mean, the t-shirts say Universal Remonster, not Universal Piece of Crap like you say.
Emory: Oh, wow. You made t-shirts. That's cool.

Oglethorpe: Yeah, let me go get you one.

universalremonster5.mp3

Emory: Wow, is that a Powerpuff girl or something?
Oglethorpe: No, can you not see she has a mohawk and wheelchair. We are not getting sued!

Oglethorpe: Where’s the Universal Re-Monster? I want him to have a baby tee and a visor.
Emory: Oh man. I think he went through the Stargate.
Oglethorpe: It is the FARGATE, from the makers of Fin-dependence Day. We will give it a mohawk and a wheelchair if you need help. And tell the Re-Monster to do our bidding.
Emory: Well, he’s um, he’s gone.
Oglethorpe: Do our bidding, little Re-Monster! Hello? Everything, this is all digital.

universalremonster6.mp3

TV: Lean to your left.
Meatwad: Okay.
TV: Lean to your right.
Meatwad: Right.
TV: Lean to your left.
Meatwad: Over here?
TV: Uh uh. That's your right.
Meatwad: Oh, Dammit. Okay.
TV: Lean to your right.
Meatwad: What about here?
TV: Hey, you got it right!
Meatwad: All right, good.
Frylock: Okay Meatwad. That's good.
Meatwad: I'll never get tired of hearing that.
Frylock: Now what's this over here?
Meatwad: That's a chair.
Frylock: No, I mean is it left or is it right?
Meatwad: Well it's a chair. And it's right over there.
Frylock: Think back to your song. The song, remember?
Meatwad: What song?

Frylock: (TV changes itself) What the hell...?
Meatwad: Oh, watch this. Donna’s about to tell Carlos she got breast cancer. Hang on. (Channel switches) Oh wait, wait wait wait, watch this. He needs this for the champion--Wait, this is bowling. Don’t watch this. (Changes again)
Frylock: Wh- why’s it keep changing channels?
Meatwad: It don’t matter, I watch anything that’s on there. Oh wait, look at this here. This dude’s gonna squeeze that boy till blood comes out of his eyes. Oh damn, did you see that?! That’s a mature situation.
Frylock: Well, you ain’t watchin’ this.
Meatwad: Wh- what...what what what are you doing, go back!
Master Shake: Yeah, and turn it up, too. All the way.
Meatwad: All right, there you go.
Frylock: Well, I- I didn’t do it.
Master Shake: Then stop taking credit for it!
Frylock: Let me just test something here.
Meatwad: OH WAIT!
Master Shake: Hey, hey whoa, whoa!
Master Shake: All right. Good to go.
Meatwad: It’s back, all right, good. (Frylock turns off again) What are you doing?!
Master Shake: What are you do- will you knock it off?!
Meatwad: There we go.
Master Shake: You are not to touch any button on that ever again. Yeah, that’s right. You go over there. DON’T TOUCH THAT PLUG! What am I, a mirage?!
Meatwad: Hey, what’s that thing?
Frylock: What...so YOU’VE been controlling the TV!
Master Shake: Yes! 'Cause he’s got good taste!
Meatwad: And he’s a cutie, too.

universalremonster7.mp3

Master Shake: You're gonna go back to 37, right? 'Cause they got the all-day blood buffet goin' on.
Frylock: I don't think Meatwad needs to be watching this.
Master Shake: What are you kidding? Babies aren't scared of this. Bring me a baby. I'll prove it.
Oglethorpe: Emory... Are you there Emory?
Emory: I'm right here.
Oglethorpe: Oh, NEIN! Don't sneak up on me like that, I thought you were a monster on the TV!

Oglethorpe: Why are we watching this?
Emory: Well, the Universal Re-Monster probably picked it out. Uh, he’s into stuff like this.
Oglethorpe: He’s not a monster because monsters are scary with claws and angry feet. Because someone was too cheap to get them for him.
Emory: Oh, so- so you’re talking about me.
Oglethorpe: Nein. I’m talking about the thing. In the attic. That is stalking me- PLEASE WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?!

Master Shake: Ah, yeah. Let’s let the chair do the work.
Frylock: Look, Shake. I know you’re getting a lot of use out of the remote, but I need to run a few tests on it.
Master Shake: Hey, you’re blocking the pretzel beam.
Frylock: Oh, sorry.
Master Shake: Thank you. Good landing. This remote, I tell ya. It’s ugly as hell, but it frickin’ does everything!

universalremonster8.mp3

Frylock: Did you hear those chains rattling?
Master Shake: Oh did that frighten you? Ohh, hey check this out. (Uses Universal Remonster to throw spinning chains at Meatwad)
Meatwad: Oh, no, the chains! From my dreams!

universalremonster13.mp3

Oglethorpe: (Hits Emory with Lamp)
Emory: Ow, damn! You hit me in the chin!
Oglethorpe: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a ghoul.
Emory: Well I'm not.
Oglethorpe: Well, it was your own damn fault for making noises like a ghoul.
Emory: Dude, I was flushing the toilet.
Oglethorpe: Ghouls do that...when they're making brownies.
Emory: Well I'm--
Oglethorpe: Ssshh!!

Oglethorpe: Did you hear that?! He’s in the attic now. He’ll kill us. Get the kitchen knife!
Emory: Uh, the kitchen is IN the attic.
Oglethorpe: Well, great, then he has the knife now.
Emory: Man, we’ve been watching too many of these scary movies, maybe? I think we should just chill out and let’s have some more of this, all right?
Oglethorpe: Nein, nein, too much today. Get rid of these monster movies off the TV. Prepare retinal scan. Ein zwei drei go! DAMMNIT I TOLD YOU TO LABEL THOSE BUTTONS. My eyes are throbbing from the laser. Why do we put the laser there, we’re asking for trouble.

Frylock: What the hell- someone’s stealing our cable!

Meatwad: PLEASE, NO, please stop, stop it, dear God, what’s happening?!
Master Shake: Hey Frylock, get over here, you’re missing it! Check it out, I got a limb-rippin’, screaming on the rocks, and three kind of Satan laughs.
Frylock: Last time I’m going to tell you, Shake. Stop doing that.
Master Shake: I can’t. And you should respect my addiction. It’s a disease. I need help. But just, not right now, okay? Oh come ON, we almost flatlined him, come on, you stupid-ass piece of junk!
Frylock: Well, I guess the batteries are finally running low, huh?
Master Shake: No, he’s being lazy is what he’s doing.

universalremonster9.mp3

Meatwad: Hey, did y'all see a ghost pass through here cause..I'm really hopin' like hell that he's gone.
Master Shake: He probably went to the store to get some more food for his demons.
Meatwad: Oh, are you serious?
Master Shake: You do know where the demon food store is, right?
Meatwad: What're you talkin' about?
Master Shake: It's right behind you!
Meatwad: Oh no!
Master Shake: You're in it!
Meatwad: I'm in the store?!
Master Shake: You're in the demon produce aisle!

Frylock: I think I have an idea where that remote came from.
Master Shake: Well, go get some more of them, will you? I’m having to improvise over here.

universalremonster15.mp3

Oglethorpe: Listen... it's coming from inside the house.
Frylock: Yeah, it is.
Oglethorpe: Did you hear that?! Someone just said "yeah it is". A demon! Get down! A demon!
Frylock: Do either one of you know the penalty for stealing cable?
Oglethorpe: Cahble?! Pfftth. We have technology beyond our comprehension. (pulls out broken lamp) Behold! The light stick!

Oglethorpe: It’s not lighting, Emory. I don’t know what’s wrong with it.
Emory: You broke it on my head, dude.
Oglethorpe: Well, get the Universal Re-Monster, he knows how to do it.
Frylock: He’s dead.

universalremonster10.mp3

Oglethorpe: Impossible! The Remonster can only be killed by stabbing him in the heart with the ancient bone saber of Zumakalis.
Emory: Or probably his head and lungs, too. Just stab him wherever, really.
Oglethorpe: And the saber probably doesn't have to be bone.
Emory: Yeah, really. Just anything sharp just lyin' around the house.
Oglethorpe: You could poke him with a pillow and kill him.

Frylock: Or his batteries could have just run out.
Oglethorpe: OH NO HE’S DEAD! The monster is dead, now and forever!
Frylock: (Unplugs cable) There we go.
Oglethorpe: The TV is dead! Death! We are surrounded by it.
Frylock: Look, you don’t need TV. It just ends up owning you. Next time you get bored, try reading a book.
Oglethorpe: We have no need to read. Behold! The mohawk of eternity!

universalremonster11.mp3

Frlyock: You guys are high!
Oglethorpe: Noo.. Dude.
Emory: Why man. Are you cool?
Oglethorpe: Yes, are you cool?
Frylock: I'm outta here.
Oglethorpe: Wait, do you have any snack cakes or corn flavored chips? I'm frickin' starvin' here!
Emory: Yeah, see if he's got some mini-pizzas!
Oglethorpe: Yes, mini-pizzas. That would taste good to my palate. No wait!!

universalremonster14.mp3

Frylock: Ya know, I think I finally found a good use for the TV.
Master Shake: You put that right back upstairs!
Frylock: No.
Master Shake: Well then, you are gonna help me pull down my chair down here so I can watch it, here.
Frylock: No I won't.
Master Shake: Uh. Well. I will pee all over my pants. And then who's gonna end up lookin' bad? Huh?
Frylock: You just stay down here with your TV and (bleep) it then, okay?

universalremonster12.mp3

Frylock: Yep, I thought it was about time we invested in a high-definition plasma screen.
Meatwad: I thought you said TV was bad.
Frylock: It is.. but we f***in' need it.