Aqua Teen Adventures - Premiere Online Source for Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Episode 18 - Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future

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Dr. Weird: (Giant Hand rips top off Lab) Run, fatboy! Run!!!

Cybernetic Ghost: Fat man, arise.
Carl: Oh. Oh, God!
Cybernetic Ghost: Now you listen directly to me, for I am the ghost of Christmas past, and I have come to show you what Christmas was like.
Carl: All right.

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Cybernetic Ghost: This was Christmas for little Carl in 1968.
Little Carl: Oh boy, oh boy! I hope this is a new Mommy!
Carl's Dad: Yeah, it's not. Unwrap it you little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour.
Little Carl: What is this Dad? Wha.. Is this carpet, Daddy?
Carl's Dad: Carpet? No, no. It's berber. That's an industry term.
Little Carl: Hey, it's like a flyin' magic carpet here. Look at this, I'm flyin' around in Egypt land!
Carl's Dad: Heh heh, yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached, there Aladdin cause it's about to be magic flyin' dinner.
Little Carl: You can't eat carpet..silly Daddy.
Carl's Dad: No, 'course you can't like that. You gotta boil it til the glue gets soft, ya know. Ohh, geez. Look at the time!
Little Carl: But it's Christmas, Daddy.
Carl's Dad: You're not gettin' outta this. Put on your work boots and your respirator. I had to pull a lot of strings to get 'em to hire an 8-year-old!
Little Carl: Don't make me go, I don't wanna make insulation--
Carl's Dad: Come on, you're late!

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Cybernetic Ghost: You remember that Christmas, don't you?
Carl: No I.. ya know I remember eatin' carpet. Not so much the lasers and the robots, though.

Cybernetic Ghost: The war of man against machine raged on through the early seventies. You don't remember because back then it was only a proficy--
Carl: Yeah couldn't--
Cybernetic Ghost: But now, in the future, the past has occurred.
Carl: Now, just hang on a second, okay?
Cybernetic Ghost: Sure.
Carl: You're the ghost of Christmas past, right?
Cybernetic Ghost: That is correct.
Carl: Okay, well, I mean, you know that it's February, right?
Cybernetic Ghost: I am a robot.
Carl: Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid?
Cybernetic Ghost: But-- Well no I'm-- I will see you in December, tomorrow!
Carl: Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way-
Cybernetic Ghost: Do what?
Carl: Nevermind, just leave!

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Carl: Oh, great.
Master Shake: Hey Carl!
Carl: What? Why are you here? What else happened? Is my car messed up?
Master Shake: Sorry, listen. I wouldn't bother you like this--
Carl: Something's wrong with my roof, isn't it? What? The robot's on my roof, right? He's rippin' up my shingles. What? Where is he?
Master Shake: Carl, just relax. Listen, this--this is totally not a big deal.
Carl: This is a big deal! It's a very big deal! What is this?!
Master Shake: Look, at first, I thought this was that stuff that turns red when you pee in it 'cause I had to pee here a number of times. But look at it, Carl. That's blood, my friend.

Carl: Damn! It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something!
Frylock: This is not cow blood, Carl. This is Elfin blood!
Carl: Who would do something like this to me?!
Cybernetic Ghost: Well I don't know. Maybe-- Oh, wait. I did it.
Frylock: So why did you fill Carl's pool with blood?
Cybernetic Ghost: Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks.
Frylock: No, no, I think I can wait for it.
Master Shake: Well, I'm going to get food.

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Cybernetic Ghost: Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus: an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dino-bone and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of the children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year; for many were killed!

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Frylock: Well that still doesn't tell me why--
Cybernetic Ghost: I am not finished! You should've gotten a snack!

Cybernetic Ghost: A warlike race of elves from the red planet landed on the ice-encased earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa ape to make his confused toys, using galactic elfin technology for Evermore Sanchianados. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like 'train' but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked a big way.

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Meatwad: Boy this is a long story. You know, maybe, um, I will get something to eat.
Carl: Yeah I think I'm going to get uh, drunk while I listen to ya.

Frylock: So about this blood--
Cybernetic Ghost: Let's just wait for them. So you been in the neighborhood long or--?
Frylock: Well, I mean, we moved here next to Carl--
Carl: Hey, we're back.
Cybernetic Ghost: Thousands of years ago, the ice had made the globe unnavigable. Santa ape did not know what a north pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed, so he arbitrarily placed his workshop right here, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full moon in front of the great red ape--
Frylock: Wait, wait...who unionized?
Cybernetic Ghost: Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mamma.
Meatwad: Dang, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?!
Frylock: It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull.
Cybernetic Ghost: You don't believe?
Frylock: Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever-
Cybernetic Ghost: Was an ape. Now he is a machine!
Meatwad: I left cookies and a glass of milk for a machine?!!
Cybernetic Ghost: No man, he's an ape. I mean, wait he is a machine!

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Cybernetic Ghost: You are trying to mess me up on purpose.
Frylock: But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped; couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands.
Cybernetic Ghost: But the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation.
Frylock: Yeah, yeah. You mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was?
Cybernetic Ghost: Thousands of years ago--
Frylock: No, shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood!
Cybernetic Ghost: I told you earlier. It was the Great Circuiting.
Frylock: You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting"!
Cybernetic Ghost: Oh I didn't? Thousands of years ago...

Cybernetic Ghost: Before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was a creature named-- (flash forward) --and that is where babies come from, for machines.
Meatwad: Boy, that's some story. That kind of is different from what I remember being told about, you know, people loving each other in, you know, physi--
Cybernetic Ghost: No! that is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange. I am talking!
Frylock: I'm sorry. I nodded off. what did I miss?
Meatwad: Well, you should have been listening, 'cause he said that the elves tried to unionize 'cause Santa ape was using their machines and then that turned into a war between the elves and machines, and the machines won. And then this here-- this here, where we're standing on-- this an elfin playground.
Cybernetic Ghost: It is a graveyard!
Meatwad: Graveground. Something. And that's why the pool's filled with blood, 'cause he over there, that ghost-- he's haunting it, 'cause Carl desecrated it 'cause he lives here. Something, too, about babies. Babies get made that way.
Frylock: Carl, did you get all that?

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Master Shake: Carl, wake up. You're wasted.
Carl: What?
Master Shake: You didn't hear a word he said, did ya?
Carl: Oh, I guess not. What'd he say?
Master Shake: I hate to be a buzzkill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and their pissed off.
Carl: All right, fine. We'll do that.
Meatwad: The blood's just gonna keep flowin'..unless uh..
Cybernetic Ghost: Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space.
Carl: I'll do it. What do I do?
Cybernetic Ghost: You must give of yourself to the great red ape.
Carl: Okay, how much?
Cybernetic Ghost: Sexually.
Carl: Wonderful.

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Frylock: Hey man, you know you don't have to move. You could do that other thing..that the robot talked about.
Carl: Look, I know it's been awhile, right? But uh.. I'm not gonna get humped by a giant red gorilla in space, okay? No thank you.

Carl: Now get lost. I got a guy coming over here to hopefully put an offer on my bloody house. I don't need you here freaking him out.

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Carl: Oh God!
Frylock: Whoa.. I tell you what. Why don't you go next door and use our bathroom?
Carl: That's just what I wanna do is uh, ya know get nude in your house.

Narrator: Yo, Carl, why do you want to sell this house full of blood, g?

Carl: Yeah, so it's a full, you know, full 3-2. We got good schools here, got the bonus room there with the--
Cybernetic Ghost: We shall go to Mexico tomorrow.
Carl: With the shrieking robot. There he is. And in the summertime, you got this.
Danzig: I got a question. How long does this blood last?
Carl: I don't know. You know, let me talk to my blood guy here.
Cybernetic Ghost: The elfin blood will flow forever, for eternity from the elfin graves. Forever.
Danzig: This is f***in' great. I'm gonna line this thing with gargoyles for the sacrifices.
Carl: What did you say your name was again?
Danzig: Danzig, mother f***er!
Carl: Huh.

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Danzig: Now uh, is there a way to get the blood to flow up the walls?
Cybernetic Ghost: I don't see why not.
Carl: That's good right? Going up the wall? That's elf blood too, that's not cheap, ya know.
Danzig: How much you want?
Carl: Oh I don't know... You know. Maybe uh, I don't know... a million?
Danzig: Killer. Draft a check tomorrow.
Carl: You're serious? Thank you God!!!

Frylock: Does he have to run those damn sprinklers all the time?
Master Shake: It sure makes our house look a hell of a lot better, don't you think?
Frylock: I'm gonna go talk to him.
Master Shake: He's coming over here! Okay, get out of here! I'll handle it. Just go away. Meatwad! Come on! Hurry!
Danzig: Hey! Butt wipe! Open up!
Master Shake: Hey, Danzig. How's it going, buddy?
Danzig: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys seen my robot?
Meatwad: Yes. He's right over there.
Master Shake: No, we--shut up! We haven't seen him.
Danzig: Yeah, 'cause I'm a little low on the blood front right now, and he's supposed to be hooking me up with that.
Master Shake: I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I'll let you know if we see him. Hey, you want something to eat? I could go make you something in our haunted kitchen.
Meatwad: Danzig! You want something to eat?
Master Shake: Well, not to change the subject, but have you seen how low the interest rates on mortgages are right now? It's a buyer's market.

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Danzig: Now look, you listen to me as hard as you f***ing can. The f***ing robot came with the f***ing house and now he's fucking gone. If you see that mother--
Master Shake: Yeah.. uh, we'll tell him that.
Danzig: You f***ing better. If I find out he's over here I'm gonna be eating my cereal from the bottom of your f***ing skull. Verstandlich?

Master Shake: Okay. So. Thank you.

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Meatwad: Hey man, you can come out now. He's gone.
Cybernetic Ghost: I cannot live with that guy. He is so annoying, he is so frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt.
Master Shake: You make our house bleed right now!