Aqua Teen Adventures - Premiere Online Source for Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Episode 17 - Mail Order Bride

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Dr. Weird: Gentleman, Merry Christmas, to you!
Steve: Yay! Thanks Doc! Wow that's so sweet. Come on out of that cage, lemme give ya a big ol hug! (present comes alive and eats Steve)
Dr Weird: Oh yeah!! Take it to the bank, Daddy!

Frylock: Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list. And if you've been a good boy this year—
Meatwad: Here.
Frylock: --you might just get this L-shaped thing.
Meatwad: Nuh uh, what that is, is a hair dryer.
Frylock: You want a hair dryer?
Meatwad: Yeah.
Frylock: For what? You don't have any-
Meatwad: Keep lookin', next to the hair dryer.
Frylock: This—this is a squiggle.

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Meatwad: No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it.

Frylock: Come on, Meatwad. I mean, don't you want some toys or--

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Meatwad: I'm not saying don't get me any toys. But I need that hair. Otherwise no one's gonna take me seriously, you see what I'm sayin?

Frylock: Okay. Okay, I'll talk to Santa and see what I can do.
Meatwad: Yes, you will.
Master Shake: Wait! Don't go anywhere! What's wrong with your printer?
Frylock: Oh, well, sometimes with larger documents, it'll can get--holy hell!
Master Shake: Yeah, tell me about it. I could chisel it into rock faster than this.
Frylock: "Mail-order bride from Chechnya"?
Master Shake: Ah, don't worry. see, I got that one covered. It's my gift to me, from me, for being such a good boy this year. You see what I'm saying?
Master Shake: All, right, well-- woo!
Frylock: I'm going to the mall to see what I can do with this. But boy. I hope I don't get too much sun in my eyes. I mean, ever since I lost my shades, you know. Those cool wrap-arounds. They're on sale, I think. They're pretty cheap.
Master Shake: Why are you wasting my time? Will you get out of here? Just go, man, go!

Carl: Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here?

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Master Shake: Carl, don't refer to her as a babe please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such.

Carl: Well look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal.

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Master Shake: Of course it is! What, are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around.

Carl: Ya know, well, I guess that makes sense, you know.

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Master Shake: Of course it makes sense. Look, Carl. You just go home, wash your face and your feet, shave your shoulders and you come on over to my house tonight! She'll be cooking for me!

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Carl: Oh no, buddy. The only cookin' she's doin' tonight--
Master Shake: Carl, stop where you are. I know what you're going to say. You're goign to make some lewd reference to cooking being like sex.
Carl: --but you and I know that she will be sizzlin' like fajita meat!! Yeah!!
Master Shake: Carl, Carl please!

Carl: Ohh. Oh boy, that's rotten.

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Carl: I'm gonna take another shower before the dirtiness.
Master Shake: Yeah why don't you take about 5 more, and while you're at it try a shirt with sleeves if you got one Romeo. We're walkin' down that aisle!
Carl: Yeah!!! TONIGHT!

Meatwad: Yeah, look at them ornaments, too. I used hot glue on them. So, they're stuck forever.
Frylock: Yeah. thank God.
Meatwad: So, it can be like Christmas the whole year round.
Master Shake: What?! What is this? I tell ya, I leave you for two seconds, and you turn this house into your personal Christmas dumpster!
Meatwad: But this is our Christmas tree!
Master Shake: Look! I got us a real tree this year, okay? Now, stack them up and push them together, you little vandal! We gotta be top shelf tonight! Oh! That's her! Look merry, dammit!
Carl: Speak English, baby? Ooh, ahh. Oh, you're so hot!
Master Shake: Carl, would you get away from her? You're gonna freak her out.
Carl: Look at her, sh-she's so hot!

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Bride: Mister Shack?
Master Shake: Yeah that's my name. Now fix my dinner.
Carl: Hey, I paid half too, you let her choose!
Master Shake: Pizza burgers!
Carl: See, it's a free country baby. Come over here.
Master Shake: Don't look at him, I'm the guy.
Carl: Come over here.
Master Shake: I'm hungry!
Carl: She ain't comin' all this way to do that in America. Now We're civilized people here! Here honey-- Just put this on and shake 'em.

Master Shake: Hey! Hey! You speak English here! We're American now!

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Carl: Hey, hey. Don't be a sore loser, now. You--you'll get her, when I'm done with her.

Carl: Hey! Hey, op-- Open this damn door!
Frylock: Oh, hold it. Just about there. Merry Christmas, Meatwad!
Meatwad: Aw, shoot. Well, I'll go get the glue gun. Oh! Did you just hear that? On the roof? Santa's here! Pretend like you're asleep!

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Carl: Don't just stand on it now, ya need to hold it! It's vibratin'!
Master Shake: Yeah, I got it chubby, I can do 2 things at once.
Carl: No, you can't.
Master Shake: Huey Lewis making a comeback?!
Carl: Put the magazine down, and hold it with your hands.

Carl: I'm serious!
Master Shake: Calm down! You'll be fine!
Frylock: Meatwad, you can pretend to get up now.
Meatwad: Shoot, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?!
Frylock: It's the middle of the day Meatwad, that wasn't Santa Claus, okay?

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Meatwad: Well, you know.. Maybe Santa's just sorta gettin' a jump start on things this year. Cause, you know, statistics--they show that there are more children in the world today. That's China's fault.

Frylock: Where do you get this information?
Meatwad: Regis.

Carl: Aahh!! Oh! Dammit!
Master Shake: You're all right!
Carl: No, don't worry about me. I fell two stories! I'm fine.
Master Shake: Good 'cause it did happen on your side of the lawn, remember?
Carl: Hey, shut up! There she is! She's looking at us!
Master Shake: Hey! You get right down here and boil me some sausages!
Carl: Don't--don't scare her away!

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Carl: Ba-Baby! Hey! Look what I did for you, I hurt my neck! You know I love you.

Master Shake: We! We love you! We're Americans!
Carl: Shut up, cup! It's working!
Master Shake: Yeah!
Carl: Yeah, I may have laid it on a little thick there, but uh, I think I may have sweet-talked her into coming down here. Oh crap!
Master Shake: well, I guess I can go home and look forward to starving to death for Christmas.
Carl: Wait, where are you going? I think I need some help here!
Master Shake: Yeah, I know you do.
Carl: You get back here!

Meatwad: Can I open a present?
Frylock: Well, sure. it's Christmas eve. why not?

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Meatwad: Well 'cause I ain't got no presents, that's why not.
Frylock: Oh. Well, Santa hasn't come yet.
Meatwad: Well, that old fat man better get his ass in gear! Because I ain't got nothin' under this tree, and I want that toy train!

Frylock: I thought you wanted hair!
Meatwad: Hair? Haha, no. Toy train now. If Santa gives me some hair, where do you think it came from? It came from an elf's head. That's what Regis says.
Frylock: Look, let's just talk about this after we eat.
Meatwad: You're out of your mind if you think I'm wearing recycled elf hair!
Master Shake: Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year.
Frylock: What happened to your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook.
Master Shake: "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please.
Frylock: "Co-"?
Master Shake: Yeah, "Co". I said it. I split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner." Get it?
Frylock: You're depraved.
Master Shake: I know, thank you, and I think she sees that quality in me. But that Carl is so damn selfish.
Meatwad: Carl should remember the reason for the season.

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Master Shake: Yeah, the reason for the season is pleasin'. And I haven't gottin' too much pleasin'. And Carl had better get his ass with the program!

Carl: Get with what program, cup?
Master Shake: Oh, hey, Carl! How ya doing?
Carl: Boy, that's a beautiful tree, there.
Meatwad: Well, you need to see it lit up. Here. Let me plug her in. Oh, man.
Carl: Perfect. now, you can keep them.

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Carl: Hey, Fryman. You think I could get you to bring your laze-eyes out here and blow a frickin' hole in my wall?
Frylock: What's wrong, Carl?
Carl: Well for starters, she's barricaded herself inside my house and every time I knock she screams at me in this like.. language. It's like some demon yellin' at me or somethin'!

Meatwad: Well, Carl, it's bad luck to see the bride before a wedding. That's natural.
Carl: No, meat man. She does not want to see us during the wedding. She wants to do the whole shebang through the wall.
Frylock: Well, at least she still wants to go through with it.
Carl: Yeah, you can quit trying to be so positive. This sucks and you know it.
Frylock: I don't know, Carl, maybe you two should just sit down and--
Master Shake: 3. My future, too, please.
Frylock: You 3 should just postpone this wedding--
Master Shake: No way! We will lose the deposit on the deejay.
Carl: Yeah, he's right. We're doing this thing first thing tomorrow.

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Frylock: Well okay. Until then, I guess you can sleep here tonight, Carl.
Carl: Wake up with some disease? Haha! No thank you! You get me up at 10, I'll be sleepin' in my car.

Narrator: Santa claus got barbecue sauce in his draws.

Meatwad: All right! I got hair and a hair-dryer and a toy train. This is the best Christmas ever!
Frylock: Merry christmas, Meatwad.
Master Shake: Hey uh, what uh--
Meatwad: How do I look? Do I look professional?
Master Shake: Hey, what did I get, guys?
Meatwad: Frylock, open that one up.
Frylock: All right, let's see what we got here!
Meatwad: You'll love this, too. I made it 'cause I ain't got no damn money.
Master Shake: Yeah, brother!
Frylock: Wow! a bird-feeder!
Meatwad: No! Those are them wrap-around sunglasses you've been wanting! Aren't you excited?
Master Shake: Ha ha!
Frylock: Oh, well, thank you, Meatwad.
Meatwad: And I made them all out of stuff that came out of the yard. And hot glue.
Frylock: I-I'll wear them the second we go outside.
Meatwad: Why don't you try them on now, you know, see if they fit.
Master Shake: Yeah, why don't you try them on before you put them in the attic next to your bark shoes! And all that other stuff he made that you hate! Ha ha!
Meatwad: You put that stuff in the attic?
Frylock: No! No, no. I love these! I really do!
Master Shake: How about that computer he made for you out of leaves? That was the best! ha ha ha!

Carl: Okay, I'm awake. Let's uh, friggin' go get married.
Meatwad: Well, good!
Master Shake: Yeah, brother!
Carl: Let's get married! yeah!

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Frylock: And do you Svetlana-- What does this say?
Carl: Look, just say 'Smith' or 'Jones' or something. There's no way you can pronounce that right.
Frylock: --Svetlana Smith take Carl--
Carl: Just say 'Smith' again. It don't matter. None of this matters.

Frylock: --Smith, to be your lawfully wedded husband--
Master Shake: Hey, whoa!
Frylock: --to honor--
Master Shake: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up! rewind!
Frylock: take Carl and Master Shake--
Master Shake: That's more like it.
Frylock: --To be your lawfully wedded husbands, as long as you three shall live?
Carl: All right! Yeah!
Master Shake: All right! Score!
Carl: Sweet nectar!
Frylock: Okay, now shove the ring under the door.
Master Shake: No, we're not doing the ring-- I'm not getting roped into all that.
Frylock: How can you not have a ring?
Master Shake: No, it ends here! I haven't seen food once since she's shown up!
Carl: He's right, let's do this thing. Light this candle.
Frylock: By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey, I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door.
Master Shake: Blow it open, Frylock.
Carl: Do it! Svetlana! Baby?
Master Shake: Great. great!
Carl: Oh, man! So, she got the car?
Meatwad: Well, technically, it's half hers, now, right? Or a third. I don't know.

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DJ: Introducing the new Mr.'s and Mrs. Brotowski!
Carl: It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell outta here!
Master Shake: No way! You are staying. We got him till 2!

DJ: Okay! we're rocking around the christmas tree. Any requests? How about you in the neck brace?
Carl: Yeah, here's a request. Hey, shut up!
DJ: Okay! couples only! Come on, this'll get you dancing close!
Meatwad: Carl, I know you're hurting. And if it makes you feel any better, merry Christmas.
Carl: What is it?
Meatwad: It's a stick. oh.
Carl: Good.

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Ending Credits
Santa claus with a g**damn present
Don't need school, no more lessons
Meanwhile Frylock's a face cooler
Kick that thing 'cause you know we old-schoolah
Don't forget, g, I'm shake-zulah
Nobody badder, and nobody cooler.